And I Don't Wanna Miss You Tonight...

Today is it.

I'm terrified.

I'm shaking.

Please...just let this work out.

Oops.

Well I just got busted for sneaking out. Honestly I should probably be more like "Oh no." or I don't know something. But I'm kind of whatever about it. Ten bucks say my mom learned I was sneaking out from reading my blog. I have had a feeling she's been reading it for awhile, which to be quite honest just pisses me off. I hate how I get no sense of privacy anymore. My parents want to be so involved in my life suddenly and I honestly can't stand it. A teenage girl needs her space. Seriously. As of right now I don't know what my punishment is but I will probably know by the morning. Eh I don't know. That's kind of how I just feel about the whole thing. Honestly it is how I have felt for the last couple of days. I have been terribly depressed for awhile but of course my parents wouldn't know that now would they. Grr. Sometimes I find parents just so frustrated.

I think I might get kind of mad if I get in major trouble since the time my brother got caught sneaking in he didn't really get much of a punishment. But then again my brother always gets away with everything. I hate it. I'll never be perfect in my parents eyes because I'm not my brother. I'm not the smartest person in my class, I cannot explain quantum physics, I don't make my whole family laugh and listen to every word I have to say. I don't spend all my time sitting at home reading up on weird things. I cannot help my mom with writing her grants. I don't know the whole dictionary by heart. I don't know how the play the game. I couldn't kill someone with one finger. I don't like meeting new people. So instead I'm the fuck up kid in the family. I'm the one cries whenever I feel even the slightest upset. I'm the one who avoids my family like the plague. I'm the one who rolls my eyes at stupid things. I'm the one who argues back. I'm the one who ends up in the hospital. My parents are always so good at making me feel like I'm just never going to be good enough. That I'm never going to be my brother.

I don't know...sometimes it really makes me hate myself.

I Wanna Sunburn, Just To Know That I'm Alive.

She wiggles her toes to try and feel them. The cold tracks have numbed them again. The headache is back, she wonders how similar this feels. She takes a step back and suddenly she is falling. The air rushes past her, she closes her eyes. She realizes that she should reach out for help but cannot move her arms, is it because she can't or she doesn't want to? His voice fills her head. He believes it's so easy but she just wishes he would understand. She tries to respond but her mouth won't move. She tries to yell...nothing. She's crying, she just wants to be heard.

She cannot catch on to that hand. She cannot destroy that girl she once did that day. She doesn't trust that hand. Not because the hand is comforting and warm but because he always held that hand closer than he ever did her. Because he always fought for that girl more than he ever did for her. Because he has left her with nothing yet still holds a place for that girl in his heart. When he hated her, when all her wanted was for her to feel pain he still talked to that girl. He still loved that girl.

I Got The Breath Of The Last Cigarette On My Teeth.

"Come dance with me."
"No."
"Why not?"
"I don't know."
"Shut up. You need this."
I actually for once didn't want to. I was hating being at that stupid party but Max now owes me her life for suffering through that. But once I got dancing it wasn't so bad, how well Del knows me. We talked the whole time we danced because that's just how we are. He told me I need to let go because I look too up tight. I laughed because he had no idea what was running through my head.

My feet are killing me. I hate when I skin the top of my feet. Ugh. So painfully. I guess it's what I get for epically failing at life.

I feel bad for how much I have used to, and still do, sneak out. I mean it is not that I enjoy doing it sometimes my mom just leaves me with no other opinion. At least now I'm not walking half way across town. Del and I hung out Friday because he was bored and I was pissed at my mom. He still a super spazz when it comes to me sneaking out, which I still find hilarious. We drove around and went swimming. I forgot how much I missed doing that.
"Text me when you get in. And no arguing about it."
"Haha. Okay fine."

What house doesn't have Band-aids!? Like seriously got home Friday night...well Saturday morning and not a single Band-aid in the house. I was pissed. I had to make fake band-aids so I wouldn't bleed all over my bed sheets. It was kind of funny.

Senior year is really starting to bore me. Friday night...Saturday morning reminded me how much fun I used to have. I need to be more adventurous. Not saying I'm trying to top some of the crazy shit that I've done...well last night I managed to do that. But I just want to have more fun. I wanna go out more, I wanna forget who I am, I just wanna get away.

Hallelujah! Max turns 18 next week! Life is going to be soooo much easier. Since I suffered that horrible dance party with her, she already decided what gift she is getting me next week. And I shouldn't be as excited as I mean but of course I can't wait. Lord it will help this stress.

The Only Problem Is That You Was Using Me In A Different Way That I Was Using You.

I hate myself for how much I still allow you to affect me.
I can't get Christmas out of my head.
I'm running but the pain won't leave my heart.
I'm beating my body till I can't move to prove you wrong.
The blue bottle in my closet is calling my name.
I so badly want to down those white drops with that blue bottle.
I want to sleep without you stealing my dreams.
I'm craving to watch that red circle down the drain.
I need to fill my lungs till they close up tight.

That's the old girl that you used to control.
So I'm sticking my middle finger in the air at you.
I'm walking away from all of it and running into those arms that you always hated me being in.
He might not be perfect but he sure as hell loves me more than you ever did.
So I hope you are happy with the girl who used to judge you and laugh at your miserable past. The exact same past that I never left you in alone, the past I fought for you...the reason you have a future.

And don't say he is using me because he never used me as bad as you did.

And he never threw away the pain, tears, and love I put forward for him.

You're The Reason Why I'm Thinking, I Don't Wanna Smoke On These Cigarettes No More.

I have this horrible feeling in my stomach and I don't know why. Del and I hang out yesterday since him and Max are fighting he uses me to fill the empty space by talking to me all the time. I did realize how much I actually missed him until he came back around. I'm trying really hard not to get used to it because the minute I do he'll disappear again like he always does. We talked about yesterday about everything and I have never seen him get so upset about something as he did. I sat there quietly driving because I couldn't find the right words to say and I didn't know how to fix him. It made me sad.
"We all hide secrets. I hide stuff from you."
"There is a lot I haven't told you."
"Maybe one day we'll talk about it."

I keep having that dream over and over, along with the old one I used to have. It's just starting to make me feel terrible and confused. I just want to know what it means. I passed him driving after I dropped Del off at his house and I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I guess because it reminded me of when he broke up. I don't know, I can't keep my thoughts straight and I feel all jumbled. I just wish things were easier in life sometimes. I'm probably just over thinking like I always do but the dream is so real it's creepy. I wake up so tired everyday after having both of those dreams. Last night I woke up crying after the second one. What is wrong with me?

I'm supposed to do a lot this weekend but I'm not exactly sure how. I need to do shopping for Max's birthday, finish VHS, go to the wrestling tournament, do the rest of my homework, hang out with Del (which should be nice since boyfriend is busy all weekend), work on choreography, starting working out again, stop eating so much food.

Blah life is boring me. I need an adventure.
Hmm...I'll talk with Del.

I Think I'm Caught In Between The Nights And Days Fly By When I'm Lost On The Streets.

I keep thinking too much and it is messing with my sleep pattern. Instead of staying up really late like I used to, I now pass out and watch up in the middle of the night with my mind racing. I had a dream about N.I.B the other night and it freaked me out. Lemon thinks it's because I feel like him and I haven't talked about things that my head wants to talk about. I just stared at her with a "duh!" look on my face. We all laughed. But seriously it was such a real dream...but still in a bizarre way. I don't know, guess it freaked me a little and now I got my mind racing again. Del and I went out last night even though I wasn't supposed too. The way we talk now makes me feel like I'm back in sophomore year of high school which is nice in my stressed out days. We joked around, drove, talked and now, of course, I'm worried about him. I try not to tell him though because then he won't tell me things which I mean I like that he does it just sucks when it gets me so worried. I'm avoiding the last bit of VHS work I have to do. Along with all the Spanish, English, and probably a little Calculus studying I should be doing. Eh, whatever. I've been up since 4. I think I deserve a little "not doing anything time"...or maybe a lot of it. I keep getting really frustrated with people (well I always have about this) but more so recently than I used to. I'm really sick of people thinking that dance isn't as hard as other sports. Just because it isn't somehow connected with the school and we don't have matches, or meets, or tournaments, or games, doesn't mean we don't get our asses kicked just as hard by our teachers ever week. And always whining about conditioning well try conditioning the same muscles every single day without a break. Or try to stand on your toes for 2 minutes. Or I dare you to come and take my conditioning class or a ballet class. GOD! So sick of listening to other people. I also bitch because I always have to listen to people complain that "I'm so tired" when either a) they don't really do anything after school. b) stayed up way to late just because they did. or c) they do some stuff but not enough to complain all the time! I try not to complain that much about being tired but I know I do sometimes but I do a lot. I get up at 6 every morning, do a little homework, go to school, go to the studio, do homework/work/teach classes that aren't or possible are mine, come home around 9, start homework, bed by 12. Then repeat. That would be an easy day. Lets talk about the day where suddenly I have to cram more into that schedule or errands need to be run or people need to be taken places. It gets crazy! A lot of the time I end up doing homework in classes that it's not the homework. Not because I was too lazy to do it but because I just don't have the time. Now add that schedule on to what happens after Christmas. Which means I need to find more time for choreographing, extra hours at the studio, starting to work out because of my horrible knee (ick!), and trying to remember to breathe. AH!

Okay I'm done bitching for now.

"If I won the lottery I could just buy a new car. I'd buy you a car."
"No you wouldn't."
"If I had the money I'd take care of you."

Friend Of Mine Stay Alive, Don't You Leave Me Here.

Today is cloudy and cold, which is probably why I feel so depressed. I got my new lamp but haven't been able to figure out shit about it. Seriously it's a complicated lamp. I read through my old blog which made me cry some thinking about all the pain I caused people but then I found a couple old posts about Del. Some of the stupid things we have done or the times he has been my superhero. It for some reason made my heart really warm. I guess I never show during those dark days how much I was actually loved. At least Del and I are closer now, kinda like back when we were first friends. I don't know...just makes life seem easier. School is such frustrating right now because a) I'm in the college of my dreams so motivation for school is at an all time low. b) I just want winter break to be here! Oh damn I just thought about New Year...guess it will be a lot different this year. I don't know, maybe I'll get the strength to ask him to hang out with me though I will in the end only be rejected. It's weird even when I know it's going to happen it still seems to hurt. Oh well, sometimes I'm such an idiot. My head hurts from looking at this stupid computer screen. I can't wait for this class to be over! I think I did my AP English homework wrong which could turn out to be a major problem. Blah! Now I'm just ranting because I have nothing better to do. Christmas show (of evilness) is finally over! Which is good because I need classes to go back to normal because I'm starting to get really out of shape. I need to work out more...well first find the motivation to work out more. Lame! 25 minutes left in class. Shit I have a calculus quiz today that I have no idea what it's on...that could turn into a problem. Oh well I'm going to go check my English homework...or something. Man am I spacey today.

"Hey!"
"What?!"
"Love you. And I mean it."
-sighs-"I know. Now get out of my car."

Don't Tell Me If I'm Dying, 'Cause I Don't Wanna Know.

I have completely found my other half and I could go without seeing him for awhile because the last two days have been the best days of my life. Friday Del met up with me and Esme while we were shopping and tagged along with us. Of course there was lots of laughing and the, oh so amazing, game of find the ugliest sweater. Which Esme totally kicked our asses at. Then we all parted ways. Night rolled around and some how Del ended up back in my car. The Musketeers took a short ride, where more laughter continued for awhile.

Then today began. I should have spent the whole day working on homework and my art portfolio but that was quickly changed with a small phone call. "Hey, you busy?"
"Nope."
"Great. Can you take me to Wal-mart in a little bit?"
"Yeah sure."
I forgot to ask why then remembered that Del has that eye infection again, like he got two summers ago. I picked him up and we drove to Rite-Aid and Wal-mart. Then he said something really surprising, "So we can just drive for awhile. I got nowhere to be." So we did. And we talked...a lot. I felt a little closer to him and a little more loved which from him feels like...like something I can't even find words to explain. "Yeah I kept saying your name last night and they were like 'You guys must be like best friends' and I was like 'Well yeah but we don't hang a lot just we did today'. It was just a really good friend day, like I don't know just felt really good." I had the stupidest smile on my face and I know it. I was going to drop him off after ice cream but then was convinced into seeing a movie with him.

I know I wasted a day when I should have been doing tons of work but god, for a moment I could finally breathe. I was sitting with the one person who understands me better than myself. The one person who finds all my flaws and mistakes perfect. The one person who can make me laugh and forget everything. I'm just so glad he finally understands how great he is.

For It To Feel Like This, Like Every Inch Of Me Is Bruised, Brusied.

Well at least on my knees. Haha. Damn me and my uncoordinatedness, yes I just made that a word.

I haven't slept in days because of my never ending racing mind. I just keep thinking about this little thing and that little thing, if I remembered to do this, have to remember to do that, will I have enough time. So many stupid, trivial things. Sometimes I wish he was Del because then when I'd talk to him he would get it and say that right things. Why is it that nobody has just the perfect words at the exact moments like Del does. Though I'll give it to Kana she can come very close sometimes. Sighs. Things are once again changing too fast and I have no idea what to do. I know I should just try and take everything one step at a time but I'm the stupid kid who tries to take it all on at once. Yay for Tory's stupidity.

I've been extremely depressed lately which sucks. I finally thought that maybe I was just like every other teenager who just went through their little depressed stage but alas no hope for me. I'm clinical and shall always be even when everything is going perfectly fine in my life. Just another thing to live with.

I got bored last night after finishing my homework (yes I actually did my homework at home. What a strange idea!) so I decided to paint my nails but of course I couldn't just paint them one color but instead 3. And of course they have no rhythm or reason to how they colors are painted instead they are just that...painted. They make me smile.

But in the end life will keep going and I'll keep living it.
Peace, Love.

And I'm Thinking I'd Perfered Not To Be Rescued.

I saw the stop sign, that stop broke all the barriers. My heart broken open and I fell into pieces resting my head against the cold leather stirring wheel. Warm tears cutting lines into my pale skin. I lifted my head and tried to drive. White lines blurred with the dark road and bright lights. I couldn't understand why I was crumbling but I knew it hurt, something inside me was screaming. Nobody would respond to my calls so I made a leap. Like I used to always do I jumped head first hoping you would be below to catch me with your love.

"Tell me I'm stupid. That I'm really really stupid."
"You're extremely stupid. Now what did you do."
"Let life overwhelming me."
"Can I come get you?"

As those words light up my screen I lost all words, I lost all thoughts. I drove in silence, only tears racing down my face. Then my phone rang,

"Where are you?"
"I'll be home in like 2 seconds."
"I'll meet you there."

It felt so weird but amazing. It has been so long since he has wanted to be my superman. We laughed and drove and even better we talked. We talked about everything and for once the words shared made me feel loved and wanted. Just the two of us, strange and unquestioning, living for every second.

...

I physically ache all over.

I can't believe I'm letting him do this to me.

Let Go and Let God.

I know, well everyone knows, that I don't believe in God but for some reason I can't get over that saying. My mom has always had this crazy believe, which isn't that crazy to me but maybe to other people, that if you put good energy out into the world then you shall receive it back. Which I remember reading a lot about when I used to do my religious studies. But as she was talking about it the other day I realized how true it was. The minute I let go of life and just tried to be happy life gave back to me. My mom says that my black mom always says "Let go and let God." I guess sometimes in life it takes us longer to learn something so simple.

On another note, I inhaled a lot of bleach and brass cleaner the other day while cleaning at my grandma's. So now my lungs have decided to stop working on work on a limited basis. It makes for things to be quite interesting.

And No Matter What I Say Or Do, You Know That My Heart Is True, Oh, I Can't Stop Loving You.

So the last few days I've been kind of grumpy thanks to the lovely weather and a complete lack of sleep. And then Friday was the day from hell. Everything just kept falling apart. I was rushed to practice for this Christmas show and then literally running to my car and speeding to get Kana. Then our Amherst adventure began. Besides me getting in a shitty mood for a little at the game, we had a really, REALLY fun time. Even driving through all the fucking fog, Satan's fog, though at least now I'm really comfortable driving in fog. P.S Kana can really get into a football game. Her and I were screaming our heads off. It was so much fun. And our boys played really well but thanks to the refs not getting off their knees they made a bunch of bullshit calls. I was so proud of Seth he played so well though whenever he was on the field I got extremely nerve and I don't think I would breathe. After the game I saw his parents and his mom handed me Seth's keys and was like "Can you give these to him?" Which I was like oh yeah no problem. Trevor also gave me a hug and of course Kana thinks he is like the cutest thing ever just like everyone else. So Kana and I drove home and got back a little after midnight. But that's not when my night ended, oh no. I had to sit at the high school until about 12:40 when the boys finally got back. Of course Seth wasn't too happy so I just tried to make him feel a little better. I can only manage how those guys were feeling, especially the seniors.

Today is gonna be pretty psycho too but right now I'm just focused on how to make Seth feel better because I can seat by and watch him be like this. So I'm off to be really creative and think of something.

I Thought Of You And The Time We Jumped The Fence, Pool-Side, Stripped Down, We Dove Right In.

I feel more confused right now than a four year old with a Rubik's cube. My mom is sending in my application to Shepherd's right now and I'm completely terrified probably since I'm only applying to that school. Ugh whatever, I'm trying really hard not to think about it.

Last night I just kept crying over how behind I am in school and stressing about college so I just left my house and went to Max's. She watched TV and I cranked out some English homework which worked out a lot better than I expected. I hate that it's not that I'm behind because I have been procrastinating it's just because I don't have enough time to do all of it. It's starting to really stress me out, along with this stupid ass Christmas show thing. I probably don't like it because I just all around hate Christmas. Though maybe this year won't be so bad if Seth comes and has to suffer though a Kennedy Christmas with me.

Tomorrow Seth and I have celebrate our one month which seems stupid to everyone but for me it's a pretty big deal. I have actually managed to stay in a relationship this long without a single fight and I haven't even thought about cheating. YAY FOR ME! I think my parents reactions were the best. My dad's response was "Oh wow you can stay in a relationship. That's a surprise." and my mom's was "Feels like he is been around a lot longer than that."

Over the weekend I managed to buy two pairs of heels and I'm determined to wear them more because I like wearing heels...damn it. I also worked on my portfolio with Lemon and Max which was a good time. We all were acting like we were four years old while we ran all over Wildwood. I remembered how much I used to play there when I was younger. I love my new profile picture (the one of all of us jumping) because even though it's of our backs you can just see the happiness in all of us. I don't know maybe that's just me.

If We're Gonna Make This Work, You Gotta Let Me Inside Even Though It Hurts, Don't Hide The Broken Parts That I Need To See.

This might be an obnoxious post for some of you to read so I apologize but I just realized that I finally got a boy that treats me the way I'm supposed to be treated.

After I had a really long talk with Max about how it's just hard for me to completely let Seth in because of the way I have been treated. But I knew the response I would get it I told him that I felt like I was being used, it would be the typical "No of course not. I love you...blah blah blah." So Max suggested that I tell him that he had to show it instead of saying it. I still left like I just didn't want to bring it up because I hate talking about issues I have in the past. It's even worse now that Seth and I have started sleeping together. I mean how would your trust issues be if you lost your virginity last Christmas to a boy that just kept saying how much he still loved you and wanted to be with you again one day then about 4 weeks later he sleeps with you then right afterwards says, "Hey I'm gonna ask this girl out." Then he ignores you for the rest of the year, though he promised to stay friends, or blames everything on you and makes you hate being happy.

So this is how the explanation when,
"So I don't want you to think this is how I feel completely but because of my past it's hard not to. I just can't let you completely in because I feel like I'm going to end up being used again."
"I promise...."
"Don't say it because I was lied to a lot last year by the exact same words you are about to say. I know this sounds stupid but I need you to show me that you want me, that this all isn't just a lie."
"Then I guess I'll just have to work a little harder on showing you."

And he already is. On Thursday I had to pick him up from football practice and I wasn't feeling well. When we got to his house he demanded that I come in and lay down for a little bit and I wasn't in the mood to argue. I passed out on the couch for awhile, because he was playing with my hair which he knows will put me right to sleep. I had to get up to go to dance class and jokingly told him that he needed to carry me to my car. Okay so when you ask for someone to carry you, you think pig back ride, right? Well nope. He straight up sweeps me up into his arms and carried all the way to my car.

Last night I stood outside of my car waiting for him to finished getting changed after the game. I wasn't feeling so hot because of having a long stressful day. I was paying much attention since I didn't know Seth running at me which ended with him picking me up and swinging me around. I was a little scared but then happy but his hello was even better, "Did you know that I have the most amazing and beautiful girlfriend in the world?" I just smiled so big.

Maybe for once I'm not getting used for my body, or my love, or my feelings. Maybe for once I found a boy that really does just love me more than I understand. Maybe I have finally found someone who will take care of me and love me unconditional without questioning a single thing.

November 3, 2007.

It's been actually one year and how much I have grown within that year. I'm finally happy with myself, I don't hate my body, mind or spirit. I learned that people can love me if I let them. I have learned to protect myself from others hurtful words and stares. I have also found the true people in life and the fake.

Most of all I figured out why I did what I did. After Saturday night being so completely perfect with Seth laying under the stars, I began to think. Last night when I saw him I wrapped my arms so tight around him and refused to let him go as I cried about my reason, so here it is.

Last year I tried to prove someone wrong. With that person always telling me I wouldn't do something or I wasn't good enough I thought I give them one big smack in the face, so I hurt myself. I know it's stupid. I tried to end my life for someone who didn't love when if I had succeed I wouldn't have spent Saturday night in the arms of someone who does love me.

Here's to what I could have missed:
-My 17th birthday
-Del's 18th birthday
-The whole summer of '08
-Sunbathing with Max all the time
-Being a shoulder for all my friends
-Driving Del home that night
-Getting my nose pierced in London
-The adventure of spring break
-My brother getting accepted to Kobe University
-The Musketeers being reunited
-Max getting a new car
-Del breaking his car...a million times
-Driving Del's car
-Doing shots with Kana for her first time
-The day I got over N.I.B and wished him the best in life
-All the nights I snuck out
-Finding myself, finding happiness within myself
-Del telling me he would always support and care for me
-Growing up
-My niece's first birthday
-My niece learning how to say Aunt Tory
-Taking my niece to her first fair, and giving her ice cream
-Getting my driver's license
-Getting my beautiful car
-Using my scars to help others
-All the nights spent with my co-workers
-Finally learning to dance with my heart
-All the inside jokes
-Being a Senior

Most of all, I would have missed finding my prince charming. I might have had to walk through hell and back but he is worth every step I ever took.

So this is to you N.I.B, I proved you wrong. I've done everything you always told me I couldn't and have become good at everything you said I wasn't. I stuck around and fought through every single minute that this world and you put me through. I have taking care of those who couldn't take care of themselves or even you who refused to let anyone take care of them. I should have done all of that the first time but I don't regret anything. Because thanks to every cut I made, to every pill I took, to every time I drank too much, to every time I smoked till my lungs hurt, to every day I wished I had succeeded, I now walk with my head higher than anyone else and have a smile that speaks straight from my heart. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Over 25 scars will forever be visible for the world.
I drew a heart on every single one.

She's Not Afraid; She Just Likes To Use Her Night Light.

"Please be careful. My biggest fear is to lose you or for you to get hurt."

And we laid underneath the stars, snuggled in each other arms.

And I have never felt so happy.

Oh, Kiss Me Beneath The Milky Twilight.

It's my parents 30th Anniversary today which is really cute, though I'm supposed to make them dinner or something and yeah....I haven't really figured that part out yet.

I went to the Obama rally yesterday which was absolutely amazing. It was completely worth the 6 hour wait in line, in the freezing cold. Though I managed to stay really warm burying myself in Seth's under armour hoodie and sweats.

I ran into Tim and Alex after the rally which was really fun because I forgot how much I like those guys, especially together. Tim freaked out when he found out that I had a boyfriend and demanded that I bring him over to met him. I haven't decided if that's a good idea yet because the band...can be...umm...interesting. I promised Alex I would bring more brownies because he didn't get any that I made last time. And both of them proceeded to freak out when they saw my car and how pretty it was. I think Alex almost started to drool over it.

Life is pretty chill and simple now. Just basically dance, school, friends and Seth. Though I'm starting to get really spoiled with my "alarm clock" now. Seth has decided that it's not good enough to call me every morning so instead of calling he comes over to my house and snuggles in bed with me, which by the way doesn't help me want to get out of bed. Oh well. He also demands to buy me stuff because as he says "that's what boyfriends are supposed to do." Though we still argue about it all the time. Again oh well.

Time to do less productive things with my life.

It Is Love When The First Time I Pressed By Hand To Yours.

So this weekend was good but a complete totally mess. I don't really want to get into it but I can say that Del's birthday was a complete success (and I finally got to drive his car. XD) and Seth is by far the best boyfriend ever which I keep telling him. Besides him handling everything so perfectly this weekend when I thought everything was a mess, he did the cutest thing this morning. I woke up at 6:30 with him snuggled next to me in my bed. :) I asked if my mom knew he was in my room and he was like "Yeah I said hi to her on the way in." I'm really happy with my mom for not being a spazz about it this morning. Two points mom. Seth drove me to school because of something that happened this weekend I don't have a car. :( Yeah it sucks but I should have it back by the end of the day so no biggie.

Last night was a lot of fun. My parents weren't home when I got done with everything for Del's birthday and I didn't feel like being home alone. So I took my homework over to Seth's and laid on the couch while him and Trevor played video games, which was actually hysterical to listen to and a lot more entertaining than reading "Waiting for Godot". Trevor tried to read part of it but then got bored because he said "All this guy wants to do is sleep". I laughed.

I feel like I didn't have a weekend at all. I was constantly up and moving or running around like a mad woman. Oh well. Plus side, I got to see Seth a lot and after this weekend my parents really like him so we get away with a little more which is nice. Another plus side, I forgot how much I love hanging out with Del even if he does yell at me for texting the whole time. :p

I Could Stay Awake Just To Hear You Breathing, Watch You Smile While You Are Sleeping.

All and all life is good. Hanging around the studio is a blast. Lemon gets her wisdom teeth out today. I get to skip the end of school to go do the middle school dance team. Del's birthday is in 2 days which I'm completely freaking out about. School isn't a big deal. No major injuries besides that nerve next to my heart being a bitch again. Friday is the last home game which I should probably go to. Saturday I got my ACTs then shopping for Del's birthday/gauging more piercing on myself and Max then to C'ville to see my sister (ick) except I'm dragging the boy with me so I guess not as bad. Sunday, all day, is Del's fabulous birthday adventure planned by the one and only....me. :)

Seth is really starting to spoil me. He texts me every night till I fall asleep then texts/calls me in the morning to make sure I get up. Then last night I called him after class because I always do and I had a really rough class and he decided that I needed a hug so he came over. :) Though Trev raced him to who was gonna give me a hug first and Trev won, it was funny. Whats also weird is that Seth understands that Max and Del will come before him because of what we went through together and because they have been around longer. I was surprised by that.

It's only Tuesday. Oh blah. I think I'm going to skip dance tonight to catch up a bit on homework and maybe get ahead. I wish I could have slept in this morning. My bed was just so warm and comfy...grr fuck school. Well it's about that time to go do all the homework I didn't do last night. Yep that's me being bored and messing with character map.--> ☺

When Everything's Made To Be Broken, I Just Want You To Know Who I Am

How did I finally manage to find one of the cutest boyfriends ever? Yes I said boyfriend and yes that term scares the living shit out of me. Hahaha. Oh well he makes me happy and so far everyone approves...even Del...well kinda. In the best way that Del can. Back to the boyfriend, him and I had a really long talk...more like me sobbing in his arms and I explained everything from last year. Basically warning him of all the baggage I tend to come with but to him it was nothing and he kissed my head and told me all of those things just made me more amazing. Sometimes I'm surprised by the way he acts and people tell me thats what boyfriends are supposed to do yet I feel like I'm completely spoiled. I had a really long day today and kinda went running into the comfort of his arms. And he handed me a cookie, "because you sounded sad earlier...and because you love cookies."

In even better news, Del and I slightly patched up things. He promised me finally one day we could talk about it. And he finally understands how I'm just struggling with life a bit right now.

Max told Lemon at work the other day why I have been so down. She explained everything from last year. Lemon responded, "You would never look at her and think she went through something like that. But I guess thats why she is such a strong girl now."

I'm still struggling with that past but for some reason the present is making it a lot easier. I have to say I've never been so happy to look back at last year and love that I woke up.

I'm

still around. Just been thinking a lot...and crying. Haha. What else is new. A good blog post will be coming soon.

As We Walk Out Into The Night And Cry One Last Time.

She stand beside those near fading tracks. It seems so long ago when she once stood on them. The cold wind rushes around her, as she clutches to that shirt. Its time to stand back on those tracks and no longer stand still. She must walk down them and face her broken past. Slipping off her shoes, the cold iron under her feet. Her toes curl at the iciness below her. A shiver rattles her body. She doesn't want him to walk with her, she doesn't want anyone. She is strong, but is she strong enough to face this alone?

Everyone Needs Somebody Who They Can Pour Their Heart And Soul Into.

I love that song but mainly that line.

So I have absolutely no sleep but I'm completely excited about it. Haha. I was sound asleep, sleeping ever so peacefully when that oh, so recognizable ring tone began to buzz, actually buzzing so much that it feel under my bed. I proceeded to murder my hand between my bed and radiator in an attempt to get it before it finished ringing, though he would have just kept calling until I answered. With a finally reach, "Hello?"
"Hey you."
"What time is it?"
"Umm like 1:30"
"...Fuck you."
But would I hang up, of course not. Damn that boy. He was procrastinating homework and of course when you run out of people to call because it's fucking 1 in the morning, calling Tory is only the best option. He proceeded to harass me about various things (I swear that boy knows more about my life than I ever want him to but some reason I still love him).
"Why do you still try and keep stuff from me?"
"I don't. I just don't tell you. How the fuck did you find out?"
"I have my ways and two it's you. I know you."
We jumped around subjects and for a brief second I paused and realized how much it reminded me of last summer. The nights when him and I would stay up for hours talking about every little thing we could think of. I got the biggest smile across my face....then he started talking about last summer. It turned into a lot of laughing and "fuck you" proceeded by "yes please". So much like last summer. It makes me happy to look at our relationship and know it hasn't changed at all. He is still the big goof I met in 8th grade.
"Hey you should come over."
"One it's 3 in the morning, two it's a school night."
"All the better. And you can drive now."
"I can't. I don't know where my keys are."
"Well then just walk."
"So I can have you worry and panic about me."
"Well I mean...I will try and control myself."
He still worries about me all the time which makes me really happy. We are finally talking more and I feel comfortable calling him and demanded he does stuff with me instead of just waiting for him to call. Yeah it's taken forever but at least it finally happened.
"This is a grand offer on the table."
"Yeah and it's the fucking middle of the night."
"More like early morning."
"Can't we ever hang out at normal hours?"
"I mean I guess we could but that takes part of the fun out of it."
"Why do I always have to be the one to talk you into things?"
"Umm I don't know because I just don't."
"Well it's your turn to start trying."
We both began to fall asleep on the phone until someone moved and woke the other up. I couldn't help but continuously laugh at us.
"Oh come on I can't remember it."
"Well that's your own damn fault."
It was time for both of us to pass out. And for him to finally admit defeat since I refused to come over that late at night. He did but of course left me wide awake the rest of the morning and also with hatred at how he is always right.
"If you don't come over you're gonna be up all morning wishing you had."
How true he was.

Hear The Voice Deep Inside, It's The Call Of Your Heart.

I swear when Austin started to play last night I thought I was going to cry. He is such an amazing guitarist and singer. I know this yet every time I hear him it blows me away. He also is just a really funny guy. I took the boys some food last night and got a tour of the house, which surprisingly they are keeping very clean...well for boys. I was sad though because Alex and Corey...or Cory, I don't know how he spells it, weren't there. And actually Curly who I think is back in town and living with them. Tim, of course, invited me to come over whenever I felt like it which I might actually take him up on because they are a lot of fun. He once again introduced me as his little sister which I absolutely love. It makes me smile every time. "Oh shut up, you love me." "Yes I do." I stole a pick from Austin...yeah he doesn't know that. Can you guess what kind? Yep a turtle shell Fender medium pick, basically my favorite ones. I don't know why though. I'm thinking about making another necklace so that I can always think of my brother and the band. But I don't know yet since I'm having fun chewing on it.

I wish we were on better terms because you would love to go see all of Austin's guitars. He has so many and a lot of them are really nice. And the fact that they have sound proofed the basement so you can play as loud as you want down there. I'll take you sometime if you decide that you don't hate me anymore.

Other news I got a car! My own car! It's so pretty and nice. It's a red (yeah I'm excited about that part), 2000 Honda accord EX coupe with leather seats. And wait for it...it has a sunroof. XD I swear it's my child and I finally understand why Del is so attached to his Passat. Though sadly my baby has to go into the shop and get new brakes and a light replaced. :( But hopefully I will have her back by this weekend. I want her back!!! Once I get my car back I don't think I'll ever be out of it. As Austin said, "Oh god that's pretty. Please don't crash it."

Well I'm actually not supposed to be doing anything else besides my VHS shit since Ms. Collins is like a psycho now, though I still managed to get both of my papers written for English without her noticing. But now she is starting to hover and it's making me nervous. I hate when people hover. Well it's not like I'm going to do any of my work anyways since I never do.

"If you get to close to me I smell like a bottle of vodka."

"It looks like a radioactive amputated dolphin."

"Umm is it Noah's arc in space."
"Close."
"It's a beach."

Man am I in for a crazy week and even crazier (or would it be more crazy? Kana give me grammar advice.) weekend. XD Senior year is looking to be a really good year.

If Roses Are Meant To Be Red And Violets To Be Blue, Why Isn't My Heart Meant For You?

Thank God it's finally Friday. Once again I'm not going to do any work in my online class that I already have an A in. Sooo I'm here, bored out of my mind. (P.S I swear if Court uses that song for lyrical I might cry every time.) It's that time of year when the weather changes and my depression comes rolling in like a snow storm. Ick. Let me just say that choreographing my senior piece isn't helping anything. I cry every time I hear the song and think about the meaning behind, let alone it could be one of the last times that Max and I dance together. (Please try to be there this year, part of my dance is for you.) But all around life is pretty good, at least with Lemon and Max around.

I'm not talking to Del...well at least I'm trying because this time I'm going to stay mad at him. Though I'm still secretly planning his birthday. Just because I love him too much not to do anything for his birthday. Damn me and loving him. XD

My brother left for Japan Tuesday. I'm having a really rough time dealing with it. Today Emse was the first to ask how I'm handling him being gone because I am wearing his sweatshirt. I admitted I miss him which normally I wouldn't and just pretend I was fine. I decided not to because I do really miss him.

November is creeping up fast and it's scaring me. Every time I think about it my stomach flips and my head spins. It scares me more with my brother being gone and Del and I not talking. Everything seems similar to last year...I don't want it to be. At least I got Max beside me, a lot closer than last year, and she is eying me like a small child near a fire. Makes me feel loved.

I swear my mom has been taking by aliens, besides the fact that she pretty much gives me the car whenever. And has suddenly changed her mind about driving to school being stupid. She now has decided to create a bargain with my insurance. Now the deal is if I get A's and B's my parents pay for 75% of my insurance, so basically leaving me with only having to pay...hmmm...$125. If I get C's it drops to 50% and if I either get two C's or a D it's 25%. I would like to say but I think thats a damn good deal. Okay maybe I only think that now because I'm doing good in school but still. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY MOM!?

I listened to the Saga the other day while driving. I was surprised at how well I handled it. I mean you might still hate me but damn do you have good music. Hmmm speaking of music I need to new music. Why do I have to choose now to be mad at Del. Damn my bad timing.

My mind is starting to get really jumpy so means it's about time for me to get off. Hahaha.

N.I.B: I missed you the other day...it was weird.
Del: Stop being an ass so I can talk to you. Well stop being the only person I can be mad at so I can stop being mad at you.

And so is life.

Peace, Love.
Baby M. :)

It's Like Walking With The Wounded.

I haven't cried that much in a long time.

It only got harder when I found this song again...

I Can Take If You Need To Take This Out On Someone.

Well the weekend was a complete success. No down falls, only the best weekend ever. I'm gonna limit it down since I don't feel like writing all of it. So we'll just pick Sunday. I got up around 9 feeling a little tired from being up so late with Max the night before. Then I took her out to J's, thanks to Terri for giving us money, which tasted soooooo delicious. The real adventure began after that. I was driving from 9 until 6 mostly without stopping. Honestly I don't know how I managed it. We took Del a "get well" gift because we were bored and he sounds horrible, in a funny kinda way...yes I'm a bitch.We hung around with him and his dad and step mom, who are like the funniest people ever. Continued with our driving adventure till we had to go pick Del up. Not sure why he felt the need to go out with us while he was sick. Del wasn't feeling well at all so he curled up in the back of my car which was hilarious. He looked so freakin' cute. Then he almost killed me when I said that. Driving continued till I had to take Max home which I planned so I could get a couple of minutes to hang with Del. We talked a little since he couldn't really say much, but again it was one of those great conversations and he reminded why I'm still here.

I need to go do all the homework I didn't do this weekend. Oops. And because I get the car all day today. XD

"I don't like how much you drink now."
"I know. I'm gonna stop for awhile."
"Are you just saying that or are you serious?"
"I'm serious."
"Good because you were starting to get me worried"
*smiles*

I Wanna Be The One To Walk In The Sun, Oh Girls, They Wanna Have Fun.

It's finally Friday. But not just any Friday, the Friday of the best weekend of my life. Though I still have to go to third block...grr. Still a little bitter about that. I absolutely love when my parents let me stay home. I kinda enjoy being alone...yeah I'm a weird. This is the only time every year that my parents go out of town. But now they finally think I'm old enough to stay at home which is nice because I hate staying at someone's else all weekend. But I'm going to just most hang out with my bad self until Sunday. Oh glorious Sunday. Anyone wanna go for a drive on Sunday? Basically I will be spending all day driving. Why? Because I fucking can! Yeah bitches. Weird thing my mom is being nice enough to leave me her car. Suspicious? I think so. This whole post is going to be really jumpy in thoughts because I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I mean 5 hours is enough just not...if that makes any sense. Hmm...ten bucks my mom doesn't fill up her car before she leaves. Better get the Costco card just in case. I feel like being in school today is kinda pointless. Like I'm not doing anything in my online class...oh wait I never do anything in this class. In English people are coming to talk to us about college, just in case we haven't heard enough about it already. Then I'm not taking the Calculus test today so I think I'll just go sit in the library. Oh well. Maybe my mom will call me out early from school since we were supposed to have lunch. Stupid dad messing up my plans. Ew! I wore my trash bag pants to ballet last night (they are called that by dancers because literally they feel like wearing a trash bag). The purpose of them is to heat up your muscle really fast which let me tell you they do. It helps keep my hips from being stiff and also I'm not as sore today. But they make you sweat like crazy, like soak everything you are wearing. They are helpful though, last night I nailed a switch leap. Not even nailed it like completely, perfectly nailed it. It was amazing!

I feel like that was a good waste of time. I'm going to go look at concert tickets (We The Kings are on tour!!!)

Peace, Love.
Baby M.

Oh Yeah, There's A Smile When The Pain Comes, The Pains Gonna Make Everything All Right.

Something happen yesterday and I was hit by something I wasn't ready for. Max said Del needed us to pick him up and drive him to get his car because it needed repairs or something. Though Max and I had to sit outside his house waiting forever because his like a girl. I just shut down when we were all sitting in the car and I didn't know why until later. Max was driving me home from dance and of course we were talking about Del, I mean seriously either we are pissed or happy with him. And I just suddenly missed him but I don't know why. I mean yeah he didn't go anywhere and I still talk to him sometimes, maybe even hang out every month or so. All of a sudden I just wanted to be right next to him. I don't know where those feelings came from.

Today is a Thursday which means I hate it. And since I don't have early release I go from school, to teach, 45 minute break, to dance, and then after 9, I go home. Crazy, crazy day. And to top off such a lovely evening I have a shit ton of homework to do. Yay! Oh well. I'll probably just say up late finishing it like I usually do.

At work last night, Max, Melissa, and myself had the funniest 3 way texting conversation. We bitched about all the dumb people in the waiting room or store. It was hilarious because we were all sitting next to each other. I hid under the desk because I was laughing so hard.
"Look I fit perfectly!"
"You're like king sized?"
"Did you just call me fat?!"

I should probably stop procrastinating my homework. Though I don't know if it counts as homework since I'm doing it now. Oh well.

P.S This weekend is going to rule! Parents out of town and my mom is leaving me the car!

I Will Follow You Into The Dark.

Have I ever thanked you for finding me when nobody else was looking?




I love you.
♥ Musketeers.

I'm Here Like Bitch What's Up.

MY PARENTS ARE GOING OUT OF TOWN THIS WEEKEND! WOO!
Even better...they are leaving me at home. :)

I got that damn song stuck in my head. Well this is another pointless, boring, long post brought to you by having nothing to do in VHS. Well actually I have something I have to do but I can't because I need a scanner and I don't feel like hanging out in the library right now. So I'll just use mine whenever I get home which I don't know when that is. I'm realizing I really do spend too much time at the dance studio. Since yesterday I went over there right after school and didn't leave until 9. Basically the same thing today except I get home a little earlier and glory of glory, I get to judge the middle school dance team tryouts. Mwahahaha. I told Courtney I wasn't going to be nice. As long as she doesn't make me do the tryouts...which honestly could happen.

I realized that Kana and I waste so much time in calculus doing absolutely nothing (by the way, check out the picture on her blog). It kinda amazing. I mean right now calculus isn't driving me completely crazy which is nice. Though I know school is bound to get harder but for now some reason it seems manageable. I get to spend plenty of time at the studio and I'm managing to get all my homework done and decent grades. Only problem is I'm already really tired. I'm going to need to work on this sleep thing.

I've got random thoughts running through my head. Except none of them would make sense to anyone else but me...and probably Kana. But it's all stupid and trivial. Like how those damn fruit loops are starting to piss me off. Or how I wonder if he remembers anything. Or should I ask. Or should I just pretend like I don't remember. Damn it all.

At least I can focus my mind today which is a much better thing. I was having serious issues the other day. Hahaha. And once again nobody knows what I'm talking about.

It's a B day...I hate B days. Stupid AP Spanish.

Well I'm going to go do the homework I don't have to do. Yeah for extra time.

I Do Know Where You Go Is Where I Want To Be.

"Come over."
"I'm sleeping."
"Please..."
"Okay I'll be there in a minute."
"Thanks."

A rush of adrenaline must have pushed her out the door. The curious sound in your voice pulled her. I raced as fast as her tired legs would move. Moving faster than she imagined. You feel asleep but woke up to open the door. She told you just to go back to sleep, you refused. They laid in your bed, barely keeping their eyes open. You reached for her arm and snuggled into her shoulder. She didn't know what to do, you weren't acting yourself. But then she realized she didn't need to know, she was there for you and that's all that matter. They laid peacefully together. You began to fall asleep and she smiled at you. Kissing the top of your head she begins to slip out of you bed. You stir, only for her to slide back next to you.

"Don't go yet."
"I promise I'm not going any where."

We'll Say It Was Love, Cause I Would Die For You On Skyway Avenue.

Another long rant brought to you by boredom and procrastination of VHS. Yay! So I realized how much I hate that we can't have iPods in school anymore. I would be more likely to work if I had some music playing right now instead of just having songs that are stuck in my head. This morning sucked because I was so fucking sore. I tried to put on jeans then threw them across the room screaming "Fuck you!" then put on some sweatpants. I told my parents the yelling came from the fact that my jeans were being bitchy. My nose ring is sucking because I forgot to clean it last night so now it's rebelling against me. Lainey laughed at me last night and all my piercing. That girl makes tap so much more enjoyable even if our new teacher is a hyper active, fucking stupid, fat ass . If you hadn't noticed I don't like her...at all. Blah! It's Friday which means I should be happy but of course my weekend doesn't slow down at all compared to my week. Yay for crazy life! I'm almost done with the behind the wheel and I'm probably buying a car this weekend which I guess it exciting. I'm never going to be home once I can drive which probably isn't a good thing. I still need to talk to my mom and see if she will pay for my insurance since I'm flat broke. Damn having no money. Speaking of money, Daniel and I got in a fight in the middle of Martin's last night about it. It was ridiculous. My leg is so fucked up and it's to early in the year for this. I already have over worked my right leg and now I can't walk. Yay! I also found out that I have this bone in my feet that hurts really fucking bad when I try to relevé. Oh wait it gets better. The high I try to relevé the more it hurts, and it gets better...I can't do anything about it! Isn't that just awesome!?

Well I just limped my ass around this fucking school. I completely forgot to get money for my DE class. But thank god I have my own check book so I just wrote the check and getting my parents to give me back the money. Actually they have to get the money in soon or I'm going to overdraw in my account. Which is going to suck but whatever.

Time to call quits on this pretending that I'm doing something bullshit. I'm off to finish my weeks worth of prompt writings and study for Spanish.

EDIT:
Okay I'm actually just going to lay my head down. Room is spinning again.
Me-"What the OJ in the fridge for?"
Brit-"For when stupid people forget to eat."
Me-"Wait? Are you talking about me?"
*Brit walks away*

I'm kinda wishing I had some OJ right now. Then I could handle this spinning.

No Queda Nada Más Que Amarte.

Once again I'm bored in VHS. I mean maybe I wouldn't be if I tried actually doing my work in the class but I mean really who does that. My attention span is just too short and I get bored sitting in front of a computer. So I thought I would to something else because clearly blogging is a good decision.

Dance has started which sucks but is exciting. I'm really out of shape so I'm hating all my classes since I feel fat and weak in all of them. But I know after a couple weeks my body will readjust to dancing. I'm feel more comfortable with my dancing skills though well at least with the tricks. We now have a conditioning class every Monday which sucks but is a really fun class. Maria doesn't let anyone stop moving or stretching for the whole hour...which turned into a hour and half because she was having too much fun. We had two Dukettes in our lyrical class last night which made me laugh because I can dance better than them. Not trying to brag but seriously they dance like idiots. Stupid Dukettes. I have been hanging around Maria way too much. I'm hoping we don't have a weird ballet this year because I would really like the lead, since I have already been promised it if I want it. Though I'm not completely sure on that yet because I am teaching more classes. It's just going to be a hectic year but I'm almost excited about it. My mom didn't restrict any of my classes since it's my senior year which makes me really happy. So I'm trying really hard to keep up with my school work...well besides avoiding it right now...so that I don't have to drop any classes. Thursday will be my down fall. I have to be at the studio by 4:30 to teach than I teach two classes back to back (which I hate doing) then have 45 minutes to breathe before going into two classes back to back again. So I start at 4:30 and end at 9. It should be exciting.

On the subject of dance, I'm thinking I might not go to college. But I don't know. I just don't know how me and school are going to work out. So I was thinking of taking a year off and studying dance up in NYC. Though everyone just keeps saying why don't I go to a performing arts school which I thought about but they have really high suicide rates which doesn't really interest me. I just don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. It's kinda stressing me out so I hide from it at the studio. Haha.

I got bored in Calculus the other day and started choreographing a piece for the older girls. It's weird calling younger girls older. Okay it makes no sense to anyone else but me. Anyways I had a lot of fun creating the story in my head. I just love the song, Dreaming With A Broken Heart by John Mayer. We'll see what happens with the dance. Maybe Court will let me throw it on them sometime soon.

P.S If anyone has any sweet lyrical music I could really use it.

My hoodie smells like Del which makes me happy and sad. I just realized how long it's been since I've seen him...well scratch that I saw him twice last week. Though for some reason it feels like I haven't. Well besides the fact I "see" him everyday but I mean I never hang out with him, that makes more sense. It's funny how time seems warped when I think about me and Del. Now that I think about it I can remember last weekend though I guess I'm missing part of it since he did wake me up in the middle of the night and convinced me to sneak out while I was half awake. Only him would I do that for. Still I miss him.

I forgot how nice it is to cuddle with someone...even if you are watching football.

My mind is in a million places and I don't feel like talking about it much right now.







Musketeers are stronger than ever. And that smile and him standing up for me reminded me why I fight so hard for him.

Here's The Countdown, 3...2...1...Now Fall In My Arms Now.

I'm super bored in VHS and not really feeling motivated to do my work sooooo I'm posting. Hahaha.

Yesterday was so amazing and relexing and hilarious. Kana and I went to Dave's after school and I ate waaaay too much food, but how could I not it was so delicious. Then we hung around the pocket park and tried to do some calculus, which I mean eventually we finished. Haha. P.S wearing jeans in yesterday's heat was such a bad idea, but thanks to my stupidness kinda made for and interesting story. So Kana and I went to Shanks because I mean we were downtown and you can't be downtown and not go to Shanks. It's like against our religion. So anyways I had also been invited to go to Luigi's with a bunch of my boys because of Corey being out of the hospital. Kana being the great trooper she is said she would go with me. I asked Daniel the funniest question ever, to bring me shorts. Which was weird because he didn't really respond to it till he texted me and was like "Are you coming to Luigi's? I got shorts for you." I got the biggest smile on my face. He is so weird. Kana and I went and hung out for the boys for a bit which was fun. Corey is handling the whole accident thing just the way he would. Joking about it. Seth was there too. *Beings to drool* Haha. So basically the night was interesting.

Daniel and I had a really good talk before I fell asleep, because seriously him and I talk waaay too much. I was talking about how I find it weird that I feel so safe around him and can let my guard down so easily. I also told him how it scared the crap out of me. He told me that he didn't want to scare me. I laughed. I felt weird telling him that I was scared because again something I don't do. Things are so different with him, I think that's what scares me.

"It killed me when you left that night."
"Yeah, I didn't want to go either. You just looked so hurt."

Now it's boring old morning in VHS. Blah! But it is a glorious A day which means only two more classes to go. Except the whole throwing up this morning thing and my stomach being like evil isn't making this day kinda sucky.

I'm off to text Daniel and not do anything for my class. :)

P.S I need my fucking VANS!

Y Cada Vez Que Te Llamo No Estás.

Damn it.

Why do I let myself get comfort with people?

I hate it.

Even Max and Del can't let down my guard the way he does. With that stupid smile and those dorky glasses, I just...I let go of everything.

Fuck myself.





P.S Calculus Kana and I discovered that I can connect anything to sex. It got quite ridiculous.

P.S.S My brother said the cutest thing the other day. Our conversation went something like this,
Me-"Can you just not talk about getting yet another major for like two minutes? You make me feel lame because I basically can only do two things, dance and take pictures."
Sean-"So why don't you just major in both of them?"
Me-"Because I'm not a good enough dancer."
Sean-"Maybe not right now but if you lived and breathed dance you could. You got the talent. Not the talent people learn, the kind that you are born with."

And If You Take The Last Step, I'll Follow You.

Ugh. Why do I always get used to cute things? I know I shouldn't. I know it only ever ends up bad. I want to walk away but I just can't. I forgot how nice it is to have someone around. Grr, I hate this.

"How was school today bedbug?"

...damn it all.

Cross My Heart, Hope To Die, I Swear I Won't Say What Happened That Night.

I'm disconnected from the world.
I can't get that boy out of my head.
Life is slowing down.
I want Del.
I need to eat more.
Dance needs to start so I can escape.
I have to buy a car.
I found an amazing boy.
I found a friend. :)
I wish I was with him.
I need to get out of this house.
I want to lay in Del's bed.
I haven't touched my English homework.
No quiero estudiar para espanol.
I want to hug him under the stars.
I can't hear from all my loud music.
My thoughts are so far from me.
I wish he wasn't in the hospital.
I wish he would realize it's not his fault.
I want to be there but I'm starting to lose myself.
I need to lay in the sunshine.

EDIT:

"Hey. Whats up?"
"Nothing."
"You near a computer?"
"Yeah...?"
"Good. I found you a new band."
"Yay!"
Of course I love them. Of course I love him. Of course now life seems a little better. Of course his voice sounds like an angel.

Cause if you jump
I will jump too
We will fall together
From the building's ledge
Never looking back at what we've done
We'll say it was love
Cause I would die for you
On skyway avenue

Trying To Hide The Tears, Oh She Just Couldn't Believe It.

That was the hardest experience of my life. Daniel's eyes looked just the same as his used to when he was upset. I didn't care if he wanted me to or not but I wrapped him up in my arms and laid my head on his. I wanted to take all that pain away. I wanted to fix it. Then he said things that shattered my heart and I refused to leave him. I couldn't bare the thought of what would happen if he was alone. I told him he wasn't allowed to drive so I called Nic and asked for a big favor, which I don't know if she gets how amazing she is for coming to get me. I wish I could have stayed with him all night. I wish I could have made sure he slept. I wish...I would fix him. I wish I could help. I hugged him so tightly, and I know both of us didn't want to let go. Walking towards the car he keeps his arm around my waist.

I swear Del has a Tory is crying sense. He called me and I tried hard to pretend I was alright but I couldn't. He tried the hardest to smooth my pain but for once even he couldn't help me. He helped me laugh a little and let me come over. We walked around for awhile and just talked which was really nice.
"What am I going to do with you?"
"Shouldn't have gotten rid of me a long time ago."
"No. You're just way too much fun. In every way possible."

I hate being the one everyone takes care of but nobody seems to need me. Sighs.

Baby Why'd You Leave Me, Why'd You Have To Go? I Was Counting On Forever, Now I'll Never Know.

My friend Corey got in a horrible car accident this morning. So I was woken up to Dale and Daniel texting me a million messages. About what happened, how he was doing, where he was. I mean I'm not really close to Corey and mainly was listening to the boys because I know they both really needed someone to talk to. Dale is all shaking by it and Daniel is blaming himself for it. I felt terrible. I couldn't be there for any of them but I tried my hardest.

Suddenly I was hit by a wave of reality. What if something happened to him? How would I ever know? Would anyone tell me? Would it pass though anyone's mind that I should know? I know he decided we couldn't be a part of each other lives. But it doesn't mean I don't love him or care about him. Someone promise if something ever happens to him that I'll be the first to know.

I've never had something shake me so hard.

Volverte A Ver Es Todo Lo Que Quiero Hacer.

"Sorry I was on the phone. Some shit just went down and I'm not really up for going out."
"That's fine."

"Sorry I couldn't text you earlier my phone died. You are probably asleep now anyways but everything okay? Just checking...again. Haha."

That boy is so cute.
I could really get used to him being around.

Other news:
Del stole my shoe at lunch probably because I didn't look happy. I mean I wasn't in the best mood but he always seems to noticed closer than anyone else. I jumped on his back till he finally gave me my shoe back. When we were all standing around we caught each other looking at the other.
"Don't act like you're mad."
"I'm super pissed."
"No you aren't."
"I hate you."
"You love me."
"Nope."
"You know you love me."
I lost the fight because I started to smile so I just played it off by making fun of how he needed to wash his hoodie. And one point it looked like I was checking out it his ass. I forgot how just a couple minutes with him make me so happy.

Look For The Girl With The Broken Smile.

I finally found someone who holds me the way you used to. And I can't even explain how amazing it felt. He wrapped his arms tight around me and whispered into my ear. I never guessed I could trust him that way. He even checked up on me today.



Under the stress, the fear, and the worrying, I'm so frickin' happy.

Though getting the fear under control would be really nice.

So Dont Say You Dont Care When You Know That I Do.

"I can't stop crying. I'm so terrified. I don't want to see him."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want those feelings to come rushing back. I've worked so hard to get to this place all summer. I can't lose it and I'm so scared that I will."
"Those feeling will come back but I promise you're stronger now. You're a different girl."
"But what if I do fall back. What if I fail again. What if I'm the fuck up like I was last year. ...what if I do something stupid to lose you and Del again."
"You weren't a fuck up. And I promise Del and I aren't going anyway. You have a piece of us and we have a piece of you, nothing can change that."
"But it's that feeling in the back of my head. I just know something will go wrong...I just know it's too good to be true. I can't have you both forever...I just know it."
"I hate to break it to you but you will. Both of us care way too much to ever leave you for even a minute."

What I Resist, You Love, No Matter How Low Or High I Go.

I walked into Staples and started crying. Max grabbed my hand. I didn't want to shop for school. I didn't want to admit to myself that life is flying by so fast. I felt like I was losing control. But Max was right there to find me that I had the Musketeers and senior year didn't mean a thing. She picked out all my notebooks, pens, pencils, planner. I just held all of it in my arms. "And one black one because you only get to be a little emo this year." -wink-

I cried telling my dad about it too. How Del keeps talking about turning 18. 18?! His not allowed to be that old. I still think of the dorky, little 8th grader with black rim glasses and that green Hurley shirt. The boy that reached out to me because I was the new kid. "I just thought you didn't know anything about me. So maybe you could learn to see me the way I am, instead of what people see." Isn't it funny? That's exactly how I see him.

I feel like a year of my life was stolen away from me. I don't feel like I have only one year left. I just want to be little again. I don't want to be planning for college. I don't want to leave Max. I don't want to leave Del.

"When the hell did you date him?!"
"End of freshman year."
"Jesus! That was forever ago."

Made me kinda chuckle. He is right but then I thought of all him and I went through. All those smiles, all my tears, all his hugs....just everything.

...Damn it why do I always have to act like the baby...wait maybe because I am.

Sighs. I'm not ready for senior year but with them...I think I'll make it.

Peace, Love.
-Baby M.

And He Said It Will Be Alright, If You Just Learn To Close Your Eyes.

I'm happy.

Not much else to say.
:)

Del and I got to hang the other night just the two of us. I forgot how much I miss that damn S.O.B. Haha.

Write Down Every Little Thing That Makes You Love Me.

Familiar tracks lay under her feet and the blaring light shines her down. The horn continues to drowned out peoples voices, their faces lost with the glare. She feels confused, she wants to move, she desires to run off these tracks. She longs to be near those voices, to discover their blurred faces. The light grows brighter, the horn blasts all the faint murmur into silence. Her body tightens as fear races through her veins. She closes her eyes trying to not imagine how it will end. Light grows brighter against her shut eyes, the sound so great she no longer can think. Suddenly it's gone. The air is silent, not a trace of the track is left. There she stands in his arms, embraced by love and strength. "I thought you left," she whispers through the crisp air. "I never left, just gave you the room to realize you didn't need me. I'll never leave you but if I hadn't stepped back you would have never found youself." As his last words finish she buries her face into his shoulder and cries, the happiest cry she ever has.

She's Hot, Can't Stop, Up On Stage Doing Shots.

Last night was probably when of the funniest nights of my life. Dale called me and was like "Hey lets hang out." So he picked me up and we went to get some food. Then tried to find Daniel, Jacob, and Corey which wasn't as hard as we thought. Well Dale was house sitting for someone so we all headed out to this big ass empty house. The guys played Halo and sprayed lots of whip cream on each other. But some of the funniest things were said.

Daniel-"Sex is always good."
Jacob-"Yeah it keeps cancer away."

Jacob-"Sex Ed taught me that sex leads to babies and financial problems."

Dale-"Nothing is going to distract them from that game."
Me-"What if I ran completely naked through the room?"
Jacob-"Only if you stop in front of me for like 3 seconds."

Corey-"Did you just flash me your bra?"
Me-"You flashed me first!"

Me-"Aww Corey. Damn it you got whip cream on me. Lick it off."
Corey-"Okay."

I was an hour past for curfew before I asked for a ride home. I knew I could easily sneak in and not get caught...or thought so. I know this is gonna sound all bragish but when something like this doesn't happen to you like ever you enjoy it when it does.

Me-"Hey guys I need a ride home."
Dale-"I'll drive her."
Corey-"No I will."
Jacob-"If I could find my keys I would."
Daniel-"I will, I really want to drive."
Corey-"How about we wrestle for it?"

Yeah 4 guys had an argument on who was going to drive me home. I made Daniel though because I know he drives the fastest and I wouldn't be afraid he would rape me on the way. Hahaha. But still made me feel damn good.

"Daniel carry me. I'm too sleepy to walk."
"Sighs. Jump on. Man you really do weigh nothing."

Gotta love those boys.

This morning my dad mentioned about me coming in so late but he didn't care nor mentioned it to my mom. It was amazing.

And I Would Have Stayed Up, Had I Known How To Save A Life.

Ever wanted to cry just because? Or spend days where all these little things made you get all choked up? But you just can't cry. It's been a long time since I thought about him but some reason today I woke up with him on my mind. It hurt. Because I realized that nothing can change how much he hate me. Nothing can change how evil he thinks I am. Nothing can make him see the faults. Nothing will bring him back. And for some reason on this day that numbness I keep to protect me from him fell apart. I just want to cry it out. I just...I want it to go away.

I have protection from sad thoughts. From old memories of pain. I close my eyes tight and think of Del's smile. How his hand feels in mine. The way he pulls me close when I sniffle. The sound of this voice when he reminds me I'm worth so much.

Now I'm crying happy tears...
I'm so happy I have Del.

Memory of the past:
Do you remember this time last year when your mom wouldn't let you leave the house. So I walked all the way from downtown with a cinnamon scone because you were having a bad day.

I wish you would still let me be that person.




I know you don't care but I still miss you sometimes. But I know I'm just not fast enough to catch you or strong enough to bring you back. And that's what hurts the most.

Island In The Sun.

In their arms I found safety.
In their smiles I found safety.
In their words I found wisdom.
In their laughs I found life.
In their love I found...me.

How can I ever thank them? I'm so happy! Finally! I want to wake up every morning. I want to feel the sun kiss my skin. I want to laugh. I want to smile. I want to dance. I WANT TO LIVE! Don't want to waste a single second of any day. I want to breathe the air. I'm alive...and I couldn't ever be happier about it!

"I just still want to talk about it."
"You know him though his over it and wants to leave it in the past."
"I know I just..."
"He just wants to focus on the fact that you're still with us."

"You aren't broken anymore."
"How can you tell?"
"Because that's the smile you had when I first met you. It's your smile, the smile that nobody but yourself puts there. It's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen."

Sipping Whiskey Out The Bottle, Not Thinking 'Bout Tomorrow.

I haven't stayed this truly happy in such a long time. It feels incredible. Being happy around those I love and being happy even while I'm alone. I never thought I would have the strength to get back there. I never thought I could do it alone. I guess I really did need him to leave to realize how strong I was, but I'm glad he doesn't run to far. :)

"Cause nobody loves me."
"No just the ones that do are here."
"Yeah you that's one."
"Okay well he isn't here...and he is grumpy but he counts too."

Hahaha! How true.

"I like the name Riley Jordan."
"Yeah too bad I'm naming my kid that."
"But I said it first."
"Too bad I'll just have kids first and steal the name."
"Fine. You can have my illegitimate child and name it that before I run off to another country."

Senior year, get ready for me to kick your ass with hardcore style.

We Would Hide From Passing Cars And We Would Have The Summer Stars.

It's funny how it takes me longer to realize why you picked songs for us, maybe a couple of years. Now I finally get this one. "I swear usually nobody comes down this road." Hahaha! The memories there...yep they are pretty good. I'm proud of myself being able to think of those things and just laugh and be happy about them. No my more pain, no my tears, just memories that will never fade. Oh god the mud that covered my clothes was ridiculous. And stating this for everyone I was not the reason your shirt got ripped.

Senior year kinda starts today, well I mean the whole registration thing then basically just have to completely it. I remember last year I was so ready to leave this town. Run away and never look back but those damn lovable assholes just had to come into my life. Now my heart is being pulled back while I'm running. Though the weird thing is they are the ones that believe in me the most and are pushing me away...I mean in a good way.

This may never start.
We could fall apart
And I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory?
Thats how I feel sometimes still. With senior year coming up I feel it more. I just don't want to be forgotten. I hope I have done enough to make someone remember me for at least something, something good preferably. I know I'm the kind of person who doesn't forget a single day, good or bad. Which Del makes fun of me all the time for but thats not the point. I can remember all those times from 8th grade to now. Yea some of them suck to remember but I refuse to let any little memory slip. Maybe that's just a fear, being forgotten. Please don't forget me.

Annie moves out this weekend and I'm really sad about it. I had gotten used to her being around the house all the time. It was very much like having a sister. I actually really love staying up till 11 waiting for her to get home from her night shift. Sitting around the kitchen eating ice cream and talking about everything. I hope she visits a lot next year because it's going to be so quiet without her.

Now for the funny stupidity of me. Yesterday I decided I looked really gross and didn't want to see myself. (Don't get on me about how I look, I know. So hush.) Max keep telling me I was being stupid and maybe if I learned to sleep I would actually look okay. I got up and grabbed a bunch of tissue paper and covered all the mirrors in my room. Max just sat there laughing and didn't argue with my weirdness. Now I refuse to take them down. Haha. I'm a weirdo I know.

"I feel like you'll relate to this song really well."
And he was right...of course. I'm starting to get a little sick of it.

I'm taking, taking all of my time
I'm dodging words, but she's saying the right lines
She made me, made me oh so crazy
But this time I feel like I'm doing something right

It made me sick to think about
Everything you put me through and how you left without
(Saying goodbye) And if it's really over now
Then you can walk away and it would be the last time

This is the end
Of you and me
And everything I used to be
Back then it meant something
But you're living a lie, you just can't hide from me

You had me hanging on your last word
And now I'm feeling a little less than trusting
You had me wishing we were something
But left me here with a whole lot of nothing now

Two Kids, One Love, Who Cares If We Make It Up.

I love how people react and also hate them. Okay not really. But seriously are some people just that blind! Well I guess you really are. I pity you. I mean I get the whole being in love thing but really open your eyes once and awhile and listen to the ones close to you. Trust me I know how much it sucks but you need to learn to read a bullshitter. Why do you all think I love Del so much. Hahaha. He taught me how to see through everyone lies. That's how I broke from the cloud but you're just having too much fun in it aren't you. Well when it all comes tumbling down...I might have to laugh at you a little. Let me teach you a lesson, listen to people who have been there before, holds your best friends advice highest, and listen to your head, not your heart. But then you probably look at me and think I know nothing. Sighs. Ask Kana, she listens to all the advice I give because I'm always right except with my own life. But with her life...yeah I called the whole thing.

Well aren't I just back to my realistic view of love. Okay that's a lie. I still hold that high school love is just a load of crap with one except, Aleina and Ben. I really believe they found real love, not just the bull that everyone else talks about. So congrats you guys, you give me hope for the human race.

I really am going to be alone for the rest of forever, aren't I? I'm waaay too much of a bitch, stubborn, bitter, moody...damn. Oh well the Musketeers love me for all those exact reasons so I guess I won't completely be alone.

"Fuck everyone! God damn it."
"Well why don't you tell the class how you really feel?"
At least he finds my random outbursts funny.

Someone asked me about the tattoo the other day and I guess I surprised them with my response.
"Ever after all the shit he put you through, you're still going to put his part of the tattoo on your body...forever."
"It was a lesson. I mean I can't say that I hate him because I don't. I understand why he did what he did, I forgave him, and look at how strong I am now. How many people can say that?"

P.S Just because you tell someone to "shove it up their ass" doesn't make you a bad ass. Try living through something first...or learning how to fight.

So Tonight's The Night We All Roll Along.

"Pleeeease I will love you forever and ever."
"You know I don't mind. I'll be over in a little."

"I found you a new band."
That saying always lights up my face, no matter how hard I try and hide it.

Crashing around, listening to music, watching Youtube, the 3 Musketeers were united again and determined to change. Laying down all smushed in my bed. Smiles on all our faces. Smacking, laughing, joking. Flash, Flash! Pictures of warm heart and much missed company. Nobody got mad, and all hurtful jokes were apologized for. My dad didn't even say a word when he came up and noticed Del laying around me and Max. Hahaha. Of course Del got bored so we moved to driving around. The sky was so clear as I leaned my head back watching the stars move pass the open sunroof. He turned to the Shack and I got confused. Then I got it was clear. My one wish, with all this fighting, crying and pain, my one wish to sit under the stars and forget the everything. To be with the Musketeers and just feel loved unconditionally. Of course he takes my wish and makes it a reality. Sitting on that dock I swear the whole world stopped and I just breathed.

"She just rips all my self confidence and everything away."
"You shouldn't let her do that. But if it helps you looked really good in those rolled up sweat pants."

Now I sit here feeling completely loved and utterly at a loss for words. Though I can say I'm down a shirt because Del liked it so I gave it to him because I was right he looked really good in it. Secondly he stole my fucking Vans! I knew the minute he saw them he would fall in love with them and want to wear them. But it's cool I stole a pair of jeans. Him and I seriously need to stop wearing the same sizes in basically everything.

P.S He called us all the Musketeers. I'm glad he uses our nickname.

You Can Breathe.

"Well you're stuck with this STD."
"I'm more than happy to have this STD!"
"Well good but just a warning I tend to itch."

I'm during with a really hard rough patch right now. It's hard fighting with an old friend even if they have abused you for years. But I'm sitting down anymore, Del wouldn't want that.

"She takes everything from me....I'm afraid she will take you guys from me too."
"Well I can swear she will NEVER be able to take me away from you...ever! And I'm positive Del feels the exact same way."

Please God, don't let me lose them. I can't stand to be happy without them. I need to feel whole. I need to feel safe. I need their love more than I need air.

"I just want to lay under the stars and forget everything. Then run into Del's arms and feel safe."
"Well I'm sure the Musketeers can have that arranged. :)"

I know he wants me to stand on my own. I know I can...but this would be a lot easier with him close by. Just a smile, all I need is a smile.

"Whats this picture?"
"Oh Del sent it to me after he got his haircut because I just had to see it. He sent it at like 3 in the morning."
I never knew he only sent it to me. Hehe. I kinda love that picture. My favorite boy, my favorite basement, my favorite hat, and lastly my favorite smile. Could you ask for a better picture.

You're Missin' Piece I Need, The Song Inside Of Me.

Hey. I feel like I haven't seen you in a while. Call or text me sometime.
"Hey. Whats the emergency?"
"Nothing. I just thought about you today."
"You saw me like 5 days ago."
"I'm not allowed to tell you when I'm thinking of you. I went shopping and bought something that made me think of you."
"Shopping made you think of me?"
"Well you do it all the don't you?"
"Yeah but only because I hate doing laundry and I can see hot chicks."
"Sighs. How was work?"
"Horrible."
"I'm sorry."
"Yep all you're fault. But I'll forgive you this once."
"Oh thanks so much."
"No problem. Well I'm driving and I don't want to die. I'll talk to you later."
"Bye."

I Go Around A Time Or Two Just To Waste My Time With You.

I finally forgave myself. The Musketeers have given me the biggest gift in life. Love, friendship and never ending forgiveness. I have never been more happy to have woken up November 3rd than I feel right now. People think when you find a soul mate you find part of yourself that you were missing. Well I guess I was just missing two parts. :)




It's been a month and you haven't even noticed I'm gone. It still bothers me but Del just keeps telling me it's the right thing. I'm sorry he won again...

I Don't Mind That You're Holding My Hand, You Say You Love Me, So Just Let It Out.

Everything is alright, everything turned out fine. He is always right. :)

I'm finally at the place I want to be in life. I'm still struggling but I'm finally seeing the good in the struggle. I'm happier than I have been in a long time. Things still bother me but I have learned how to talk it out and fix it myself. How to let things go when I'm holding on for too long. How if someone really loves you they don't get mad when you speak your feelings, they don't drop you, and they push you to bring out the best in yourself. I found real people. I found people that accept me for every little piece of me. I can say "more stupider" only for them to laugh at me for it. I can cry my eyes out for a little problem and they just hold me.

I no longer get jealous of the other girls that think they are such good friends with you. Because I know that they can't have you the way I do. You don't share secrets with them, you don't take care of them when they are worried, you don't rush to rescue them. You don't let them stand out the sunroof just to scream and feel like they are flying. I'm special, the Musketeers are special, and nobody can ever take that from us.

And I swear if he sells that car I want first dibs on it.

Don't Let Anyone Scare You, You Know That I'll Protect You, Always Through The Thick And Thin Until The End.

Everything came rushing out. My words didn't stop, anger fulling my voice. I didn't mean to say all the things I did but I couldn't help it. I finally got out my words, my feelings. All those fears of being dropped, being rejected vanished. His voice got that change and his soft eyes came forward. I love those eyes.

"I just realized I needed to step away so that you could learn to do things on your own. I wanted you to see how strong you were and that you don't always need me. That you can fix things by yourself. I never want you to think I left you or that I thought you were too much to handle. I'll never be far away from you."

My heart filled with such joy as I mumbled words through teary voice.

"I just thought about what you said after prom, 'You're living the same old bullshit. You never do anything to change it.' So I've been trying really hard to change things. But it's kinda hard facing down those years of demons I have."
"I know it sucks. But look how good you are doing. Look at that smile."

"It hurts because I know all the things that he did but I still miss him."
"I don't understand that...well actually I do. There is that connect that was made and it sucks to have it ripped from you like that."

I can't believe for once he got it. I didn't have to explain or get frustrated when he just thought it was stupid. He just...got it.

"So how serious are you about this?"
"Serious enough to be losing a lot of sleep about it."
"Okay. Well you aren't sure yet."
"I know but I'm too scared to find out one way or another."
"I know, and I can only imagine how you 're feeling, but even if this does turn out that way. I'll take care of you and support you."

I wanted so badly to wrap him in my arms and thank him a million times. He really does care about me so much.

I feel so amazing right now.
Thank you doesn't even begin to show my appreciation for him.

It Just Takes Sometime, Little Girl, You're In The Middle Of The Ride.

"She just thinks I'm a nice guy, she doesn't understand it. But for both of you I would do anything. Not because I'm a 'nice guy.'"

Take Me For What I Am, Who I Was Meant To Be And If You Give A Damn Take Me Baby Or Leave Me.

"I always pretended that the other girls didn't bother me but it did. And I hated how I just always took him back. That's why I did a lot of what I did because I wanted him to feel that pain I felt every night. It crushed my confidence because I felt like just another girl...I didn't believe that he loved me no matter what he said. I felt bad going to the other guy but he made me feel so sexy even though I knew he was getting with other girls too. He would tell me and that made me feel amazing. He didn't tell me that my best friend was a better kisser even if it was true. I feel bad about it but...but it was nice to be told things instead of just assuming."

I been thinking a lot about last summer. Trying to figure out the person I am or the person I want to be. But there lies the problem I don't know either. I never realized how much I suppressed for so long. How many times I pretended to be okay with something when it honestly ate away at me. Did you know we used to talk about you? He would try and tell me that the other girls didn't matter but even his words couldn't fix how I felt. Did you ever think of me when you kissed them? My confidence has been completely shot lately due to my thinking. And ever demon you never faced is the reason you're not safe. I finally wanted to change all this bullshit I have been putting myself through. He is right, well because he almost always his. I never changed and would always whine about the same things instead of facing them. I finally am. Thinking about to all those memories I don't dare touch, those lost words, fights and nights. It hurts more than helps but I know in the long run it will.

I never realized how much growing up in a family that jokes a lot can effect you. I was always told I was stupid, couldn't do anything and such things along those lines, always in a joking manner of course. But I just realized it never processed as a joke. My mom still holds my brother up high because he is like her. He is good at academics, always gets scholarships, is basically good at everything, and he has a practical major. But that's not me at all. I know photography isn't practical but it's something I love, and shouldn't that be enough? She always gets excited by something he does and with me it's just okay, no matter what it is. I don't share my photography with my family because they all just shrug it off. My brother just got a really great scholarship which I mean I'm proud of him and it's great because the government basically pays for his whole trip to Japan but of course it's overshadows me. When he was talking about it to the family and everyone was telling him how proud they were of him, my dad leaned over to me and said "And I can't wait for the day when you have you're first opening." Guess it finally made me feel like someone believes in me.

And I Know You Probably Wish You Never Met Me, And I Just Wish You Never Forget Me.

First off got to say that Weezy is the shit. I love him. Del and I listen to him way too much and Max doesn't really enjoy it but we still love her.

I worked for 12 hours today. It was so freakin' exciting! Okay actually it sucked completely. I only got sick once off the cleaner which is an improvement. Though tomorrow I have to work that long again. Yeah sucks majorly. Sean enjoyed blasting me in the face with the pressure washer which made my dad have a fit because I guess it is kind of dangerous but it was funny to me. But it also felt really nice because it was so fucking hot in those apartments. Ugh. I really don't want to get up at like 6 just to do it all over again. Oh well my car will totally make this all worth it. I was trying to clean one of the floors and my dad was like "Tory don't do that without gloves. You'll get your hands all dirty." I just stared at him. Like seriously me getting afraid of being dirty. Haha! I asked him that last time I had a problem with getting dirty. He just responded with "Well I'm sorry for trying to have a daughter and a son, instead of two sons." I laughed.

I'm having problems sleep again. Well honestly this isn't really anything new but it's different. I have really weird dreams when I do sleep which I don't enjoy so instead I just stay up late on my laptop. Okay that might be why work sucks so much. But whatever. I'm enjoying writing way too much. I started writing a play which is kinda funny but not really. I'm also writing a story kinda thing. Yeah I have way too much brain power at night. I was trying to create this character in my play but it just wasn't coming together and then I looked up at my bulletin board in frustration. Guess what I saw? My little Del corner and I just smiled. The two pictures of him form the paper and the one of him from 8th grade. "Why did you cut that out?" "Because I was proud of you." "Really?" "Yep." I hate when he comes in my room because I feel so exposed but at the same time I love him seeing how much the little things mean to me. And that had nothing to do with my character problem but it did make me happy. And that's all the matters.

"Can we take a bath?"
"Excuse me?"
"I'm sooo bored please!"
Hahaha! My life is so strange.

I got home from work so freaking tired and gross. So I hopped in the shower and stumbled up to my room, which is a complete and total mess. I could find a single thing I wanted to wear or that was clean enough to wear. Del's shirt was a little gross but then again it's like permanent that way but whatever, still my favorite shirt ever. Then I just threw on a pair of shorts because my mom was yelling at me. I went downstairs for dinner and half way through my mom asked where I got my shorts because she thought they were cute. I look down and I had put on Max's shorts. I got the biggest smile on my face.

Man I love the Musketeers.

P.S If half of this doesn't make sense I don't really care cause I'm way too fucking tired. Hahah!