Forty Eight Ways To Say That I'm Feeling Helpless.

...I can't do this anymore.
I'm barely holding on thinking of your smile.

I'm ready to quit.
The pain is too much.

Please tell me you'll come back.
Please tell me I'm fighting for something real.

Give me a reason to not give up...
or give in.

You are the first to have this love of mine.
I miss you both, more than you'll probably ever know.
I don't know if I can wait forever anymore....

Talking Shit, And I Cut Myself So I Could Feel Something I Know Is Not A Lie.

Crying my eyes out, my heart was bleeding in every way. I hate him, I love him, I want him close, I want him gone. I just need him without saying I need him. Her arms wrap me tight as I begin sobbing. Nothing can stop my tears, "Do you want him?" "No...yes...I don't know. I can't breathe." I can't clear my head. Do I want you? Do you even love me? Are you worth all of this? I can't stop thinking for a second to even catch a breathe. "...I miss him." "I know. Tell what I need to tell him and I will. Tell me what to do. I want to fix this." She tries so hard and I can't even let her help. I'm trying so hard to open my heart up. I haven't cried in so long and suddenly I was crying about everything. "I miss my boys. I need them." "And I wish I could give them back to you but I can't. But you can get one back, I know you can. He still cares about you." I'm sick of fighting for him but then I remember all he has done. "I just can't trust him. What if he just leaves me too?" "Tell me one time when he wasn't there for you." "Never." Thats the truth. He could hate me, he could be mad at me for something but if I call he answers. When I cry his eyes get this look that melts my heart. How do you forget a friend that come to get you after you only saying you needed them so badly without even questioning what happened? You don't and I refuse too.

"You can't leave me."
"I wouldn't ever."

I love you, Del.
Please just understand...

The color of her eyes change
like her never ending lies.
You fucked her once
but she won't be back.
She's running to love,
to someone who will catch her.

Skin & Bones.

I lock the door
Turn on the water
Bury that sound
So no one hears anything anymore
Mirrors lie to me, tell me you can see
Maybe you won't be able to recognize me now
I know you can feel, all the things you steal
And you're taking, you're takin it

Feeling so easy
Make me skin and bones
I'm always on my knees for you
You break like it's even
When you're faking it
Thin, Where have you been?

Well sometimes it burns
Baby I'll wash it out
It all look so big
Nevermind, I don't feel anything

It only hurt a bit
I still feel like shit
And I think you won't be able to recognize me now
It's easier to quit
Harder to admit and
You're pushin me, you're fucking pushin me!

Feeling so easy
Make me skin and bones
I'm always on my knees for you
You break like it's even
When you're faking it
Thin, Where have you been?

Cause you always win
You always win

Laughin' like it works
Bleeding like it dont hurt
Knock you off your feet
Even if you need me
Tear you apart, hey now I need you

Feeling too easy make me skin and bones
Im always on my knees for you
Break like its even
When your fakin'


When I can't find how I feel someone else always has the right words.

You Know That I'll Protect You From All Of The Obscene.

Del once gave me that song stating, "It just reminded me of how you feel right now."
It was true.

I would like to say first off, fuck peas. Okay I ate a bunch of raw peas a couple of nights ago and it rip my stomach apart. I have been sick to my stomach ever since. Though I have stopped throwing up, which I do believe to be a good thing. Weird thing is I can eat and it doesn't make it worse or better. I don't completely understand it. All I know is that it makes sleeping impossible and frustrating. Not like I was sleeping before. For the last week every single night I go to bed only to be wide awake at 2 in the morning. 2 in the morning! Then if I tried to go back to sleep I would toss and turn.

Summer has been nothing exciting. I'm working and of course I hate it, completely. I have yet to find anything really exciting, adventurous and crazy to do this summer. Well I have a few things up my sleeve but nothing different. I'll have to think more and this one.

Thursday I'm supposed to go see Tim's band. Which should be fun because I actually like all his band mates. Everyone should come. Warchild, Tim's band, is playing along with 4 other bands. $7 admission at Jimdels (the old Capitan T's).

Well there are people outside cutting up trees and I can't try sleeping more even if I wanted to. So I'm off to sit around since my dad has decided to turn off the water in the house. I actually don't know why. Last note, Thank fucking god for Pete Wentz taking over MTV. Now there is actually music on it again.

Spray Paint.

"Everything just isn't right anymore. Sighs. I'm sick of reality. I want to run away."
"Well you can't. But you can spray it out. Nothing is outside these walls. It's only you, me, and 20 cans of spray paint."

Del.

I can be a nightmare of the grandest kind
I can with hold like it's going out of style
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone whose
As positive as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

I love you.
Thank you for coming back when I needed you the most.
Thank you for always answering your phone even when she was around.
Thank you for taking care of me.
Thank you for holding me while I cried.
Thank you for teaching me how to live.
Thank you for showing me how to love my body.
Thank you for giving me back a smile.
Thank you for always noticing the little things.
Thank you for listening to me, no matter how many times it was about him.
Thank you for always wanting the best for me.
Thank you for fighting for my happiness.
Thank you for telling me you loved me.
Thank you for supporting me.
Thank you for never giving up.
Most of all...
Thank you for just being in my life...and being amazing the way you are.

When You Come Crash Into Me.

"I hope you know I'll never be able to listen to Dave Matthews Band now."
"Oh you'll get over it. Now come on."

I went swinging today and couldn't stop thinking about you. I didn't care who saw how silly I looked swinging. I was happy. I let my hair down because an amazing girl once told me it's the best because you can fell the wind.

"Take a girl to the park and let her swing."
"Why?"
"Because you get to touch her ass and she doesn't notice."
"Get away from me."

"I bet I can get this off without getting off the swing."
"Yeah right."
"If I can you have to push me."
"Fine."
"Oh shit who wins!"
"Damn it. Okay."

Last night I told someone how amazingly lucky I felt to have you love me. I let the filling fade till the wind caught my hair just like it does in your car. My heart smiled.

And I Will Get Lost Inside Your Eyes And Everything Will Be All Right.

He was upset but would never admit it. We laid together separated by a pillow. I couldn't stand the distance between us. Moving closer, lifting my head and placing it on his back. It was so warm and comforting. I closed my eyes and listened to him breathe. I felt like I could breathe. Looking at the clock I couldn't believe I was so awake at such an hour.

Curled on the couch he noticed I was cold. Without a word he gets up and disappears only to return with a blanket. Not just throwing it but laying it over top of me. I felt as though I was a small child being taken care of. I forgot how amazing that feels.

Calling his name only to get no response. He looked so peaceful sleeping I didn't want to touch him or make a breathe that would disturb him. So I joined him. Ever so slowly laying in to him, his eyes opened only to smile and then shut. Again I breathed.

I thought of slipping out and enjoying a summer night walk home but hesitated. I knew it would upset him more and create a worry in him that was there after November. That continues to come back to him though he won't speak it, his eyes show it. Grumbling we argue about him driving me home until I give in because I know there is no hope.

"Text me when you get in and are safe."
"I'll be fine."
"Just text me."

"I'm in fine. Thanks for the ride. Next time I'll just stay."
"Haha. Sounds good. Night."

I wish I couldn't have just stayed with him on the couch but I'll still fall asleep feeling safe.
I forgot how amazing it feels.

"You need to stop talking to him."
"...I know."
"It will be better for you."
There he goes worrying about me. But even as a fuck up he still holds me hand every time I mess up.

Thank you.

"If I did something to change my life to make my happier but it was really hard. Would you be proud of me?"
"You shouldn't be doing it for me."
"I'm not. I just need to know you support and idk. You know how I am."
"You do need to work on it. And you always have my support."
"Thanks I just needed to hear that."
"Anytime."

"...would you be proud of me? Even just a little."
"Like what?"
"Stuck with my program."
"Yes."

I can't tell you how hard it was to ask you those things.
I can't ever explain to you how scared I was waiting for a response.
But I can tell you that hearing those things are exactly whats going to get me through 30 more days.

Thanks for being proud.
Thanks for supporting me.
I love you both so much.

32 days.

Call Your Name Every Day When I Feel So Helpless.

"Hug me."
"Are you going to throw up on me?"
"God damn it just hug me."
"I swear you're gonna get me sick."
"No I won't! Hug me."
"Fine."

It's the first time I ever just asked for a hug.

Thanks for not saying no. :)

Past Memories.

"You deserve so much better."
"No I don't."
"Yes you do. You only deserve the best."

"Are you okay?"
"No..."
"Then I'm not leaving till you are."

"I need you please just...I need you so badly. I can't breathe, I can't speak. Save me."
"I'm heading to your house. Don't move."

"I just can't lose you. I care about you so much."
"Ever think maybe those feelings went both ways?"

"...I love you."
"I love you too. Now just sleep, you're safe I promise."

Hate The Mind, Regrets Are Better Left Unspoken.

"Have you heard of this song?"
"No."
"You should."
"Any reasons?"
"Because you'll like it."
"Okay."

The only person that can awake me up from sleeping and I don't get annoyed. Of coursed I raced to my computer and began listening. And what do you know? I love that song. I wonder if he was listen to the lyrics when he thought of me. It's nice to know he still thinks of me from time to time. And I can't complain if I'm getting new music from it.

...

You smiled...

and my heart melted.

Thank you.
"Tory, I won't leave you."

Pinch Me Please, Tell Me It's A Dream Cause I Don't Wanna Feel Like This.

How did I get here?
How did I lose you both?

I'm sick of this.
I'm sick of being alone.

I'm done fighting for your love.
I'm done fighting for you.

But I know I won't stop.
But I wish I could.

I promised to never leave.
I promised to always love you.

I just miss you both so much.

Please come back.
Please just hold me for a little while.

Just call me.