I Don't Mind That You're Holding My Hand, You Say You Love Me, So Just Let It Out.

Everything is alright, everything turned out fine. He is always right. :)

I'm finally at the place I want to be in life. I'm still struggling but I'm finally seeing the good in the struggle. I'm happier than I have been in a long time. Things still bother me but I have learned how to talk it out and fix it myself. How to let things go when I'm holding on for too long. How if someone really loves you they don't get mad when you speak your feelings, they don't drop you, and they push you to bring out the best in yourself. I found real people. I found people that accept me for every little piece of me. I can say "more stupider" only for them to laugh at me for it. I can cry my eyes out for a little problem and they just hold me.

I no longer get jealous of the other girls that think they are such good friends with you. Because I know that they can't have you the way I do. You don't share secrets with them, you don't take care of them when they are worried, you don't rush to rescue them. You don't let them stand out the sunroof just to scream and feel like they are flying. I'm special, the Musketeers are special, and nobody can ever take that from us.

And I swear if he sells that car I want first dibs on it.

Don't Let Anyone Scare You, You Know That I'll Protect You, Always Through The Thick And Thin Until The End.

Everything came rushing out. My words didn't stop, anger fulling my voice. I didn't mean to say all the things I did but I couldn't help it. I finally got out my words, my feelings. All those fears of being dropped, being rejected vanished. His voice got that change and his soft eyes came forward. I love those eyes.

"I just realized I needed to step away so that you could learn to do things on your own. I wanted you to see how strong you were and that you don't always need me. That you can fix things by yourself. I never want you to think I left you or that I thought you were too much to handle. I'll never be far away from you."

My heart filled with such joy as I mumbled words through teary voice.

"I just thought about what you said after prom, 'You're living the same old bullshit. You never do anything to change it.' So I've been trying really hard to change things. But it's kinda hard facing down those years of demons I have."
"I know it sucks. But look how good you are doing. Look at that smile."

"It hurts because I know all the things that he did but I still miss him."
"I don't understand that...well actually I do. There is that connect that was made and it sucks to have it ripped from you like that."

I can't believe for once he got it. I didn't have to explain or get frustrated when he just thought it was stupid. He just...got it.

"So how serious are you about this?"
"Serious enough to be losing a lot of sleep about it."
"Okay. Well you aren't sure yet."
"I know but I'm too scared to find out one way or another."
"I know, and I can only imagine how you 're feeling, but even if this does turn out that way. I'll take care of you and support you."

I wanted so badly to wrap him in my arms and thank him a million times. He really does care about me so much.

I feel so amazing right now.
Thank you doesn't even begin to show my appreciation for him.

It Just Takes Sometime, Little Girl, You're In The Middle Of The Ride.

"She just thinks I'm a nice guy, she doesn't understand it. But for both of you I would do anything. Not because I'm a 'nice guy.'"

Take Me For What I Am, Who I Was Meant To Be And If You Give A Damn Take Me Baby Or Leave Me.

"I always pretended that the other girls didn't bother me but it did. And I hated how I just always took him back. That's why I did a lot of what I did because I wanted him to feel that pain I felt every night. It crushed my confidence because I felt like just another girl...I didn't believe that he loved me no matter what he said. I felt bad going to the other guy but he made me feel so sexy even though I knew he was getting with other girls too. He would tell me and that made me feel amazing. He didn't tell me that my best friend was a better kisser even if it was true. I feel bad about it but...but it was nice to be told things instead of just assuming."

I been thinking a lot about last summer. Trying to figure out the person I am or the person I want to be. But there lies the problem I don't know either. I never realized how much I suppressed for so long. How many times I pretended to be okay with something when it honestly ate away at me. Did you know we used to talk about you? He would try and tell me that the other girls didn't matter but even his words couldn't fix how I felt. Did you ever think of me when you kissed them? My confidence has been completely shot lately due to my thinking. And ever demon you never faced is the reason you're not safe. I finally wanted to change all this bullshit I have been putting myself through. He is right, well because he almost always his. I never changed and would always whine about the same things instead of facing them. I finally am. Thinking about to all those memories I don't dare touch, those lost words, fights and nights. It hurts more than helps but I know in the long run it will.

I never realized how much growing up in a family that jokes a lot can effect you. I was always told I was stupid, couldn't do anything and such things along those lines, always in a joking manner of course. But I just realized it never processed as a joke. My mom still holds my brother up high because he is like her. He is good at academics, always gets scholarships, is basically good at everything, and he has a practical major. But that's not me at all. I know photography isn't practical but it's something I love, and shouldn't that be enough? She always gets excited by something he does and with me it's just okay, no matter what it is. I don't share my photography with my family because they all just shrug it off. My brother just got a really great scholarship which I mean I'm proud of him and it's great because the government basically pays for his whole trip to Japan but of course it's overshadows me. When he was talking about it to the family and everyone was telling him how proud they were of him, my dad leaned over to me and said "And I can't wait for the day when you have you're first opening." Guess it finally made me feel like someone believes in me.

And I Know You Probably Wish You Never Met Me, And I Just Wish You Never Forget Me.

First off got to say that Weezy is the shit. I love him. Del and I listen to him way too much and Max doesn't really enjoy it but we still love her.

I worked for 12 hours today. It was so freakin' exciting! Okay actually it sucked completely. I only got sick once off the cleaner which is an improvement. Though tomorrow I have to work that long again. Yeah sucks majorly. Sean enjoyed blasting me in the face with the pressure washer which made my dad have a fit because I guess it is kind of dangerous but it was funny to me. But it also felt really nice because it was so fucking hot in those apartments. Ugh. I really don't want to get up at like 6 just to do it all over again. Oh well my car will totally make this all worth it. I was trying to clean one of the floors and my dad was like "Tory don't do that without gloves. You'll get your hands all dirty." I just stared at him. Like seriously me getting afraid of being dirty. Haha! I asked him that last time I had a problem with getting dirty. He just responded with "Well I'm sorry for trying to have a daughter and a son, instead of two sons." I laughed.

I'm having problems sleep again. Well honestly this isn't really anything new but it's different. I have really weird dreams when I do sleep which I don't enjoy so instead I just stay up late on my laptop. Okay that might be why work sucks so much. But whatever. I'm enjoying writing way too much. I started writing a play which is kinda funny but not really. I'm also writing a story kinda thing. Yeah I have way too much brain power at night. I was trying to create this character in my play but it just wasn't coming together and then I looked up at my bulletin board in frustration. Guess what I saw? My little Del corner and I just smiled. The two pictures of him form the paper and the one of him from 8th grade. "Why did you cut that out?" "Because I was proud of you." "Really?" "Yep." I hate when he comes in my room because I feel so exposed but at the same time I love him seeing how much the little things mean to me. And that had nothing to do with my character problem but it did make me happy. And that's all the matters.

"Can we take a bath?"
"Excuse me?"
"I'm sooo bored please!"
Hahaha! My life is so strange.

I got home from work so freaking tired and gross. So I hopped in the shower and stumbled up to my room, which is a complete and total mess. I could find a single thing I wanted to wear or that was clean enough to wear. Del's shirt was a little gross but then again it's like permanent that way but whatever, still my favorite shirt ever. Then I just threw on a pair of shorts because my mom was yelling at me. I went downstairs for dinner and half way through my mom asked where I got my shorts because she thought they were cute. I look down and I had put on Max's shorts. I got the biggest smile on my face.

Man I love the Musketeers.

P.S If half of this doesn't make sense I don't really care cause I'm way too fucking tired. Hahah!

...I...

I don't want to admit it even to myself but...









God I miss you.


He won't ever be close to you but I wish he was because that would make this so much easier.

Well I Woke Up In A Car, I Traced Away The Fog.

How is it that life is still stressful during summer? I'm currently working as much as I can but still aren't making enough money so I'm trying to get a second job except no place is really hiring because it's so late in the summer. Max and I are during odd end jobs together and making a little extra but at least I get to see her more which is fun. So I'm going to have a part time job throughout the school year which will just be a blast, not. My dad is sick which doesn't really work with being the busy season. Mom is stressed with granting writing and trying to get herself ready for Mexico which she will be gone for 3 weeks. Between all of that I've started doing more around the house like cooking meals and cleaning when it's needed. Once mom is in Mexico I have to move her stuff to her new office for her which shouldn't be fun but I can't wait because Max and I will manage to hurt ourselves.

Speaking of Max, that girl and I spend so much time together but it doesn't feel like any at all. I barely go two days without seeing her. She spends the night here all the time so I have basically changed my room for two people living instead of one. She has a toothbrush here, her own user name on Fairfax, and Diet Cokes in the mini fridge. Sometimes she basically comes over just to sleep here and get some really good breakfast. It's weird because I never get sick of seeing her. We text each other every single day without fail. It's like we are in a relationship. It makes me happy having her around even if she is just sitting in my room while I'm off doing something else.

Breaking news! I love my hair! Okay so it's not breaking news but I'm not sure if anyone actually knows that the way I wear my hair isn't actually my natural hair. Yes the red isn't natural. But my hair really isn't as straight as I make it but I just have always brushed it out and made it that way. The other night I got out of the shower and didn't have to time to fix it and just let it dry out. Guess what? My natural hair is beautiful.

Dark Knight was ass kickin' amazing! And to top it off I got to go with the band, yes i love the band. Drummer saw me and Max and helped us try and hold seats for the rest of the boys which was funny. He ended up sitting next to me which was fine because I'm probably the most comfortable around him. Him and I actually talked some, mainly about my purple socks and Blues Clues, yeah we are just that cool. But the best part was...yes, Piano boy. Hmm love him. He sat behind us but I could see most of him out of the corner of my eye which let me tell you is something good to look at. Max at one point lend over, "He is totally looking at you." I laughed because he probably remembers me as the girl in the kitchen that thinks he is really hot and tells him about it. Maybe one day I'll have to guts to try and talk to him. Though I'll talk to the rest of the band without a problem. Hmm damn it. Random moment, in the middle of Dark Knight Drummer looked at me and just punched me in the leg then started watching the movie again. I stared at him and he said "What? It didn't hurt." I then started laughing.

Life in a nutshell, it's good.

"You haven't even been content, it's like...you finally found happy."

Sometimes We Talk About It Or We Figure It Out. <3

Lights blaring, music louder than out screams. He was in a funk and nobody knew how to handle it. She sat quietly upset by his mood but I'm used to it. "I hate everyone." "No you don't so shut up." Screaming the lyrics with him, catching each other eyes just for a moment. I always look away smiling.

"Have you seen the video?" Just like I thought he really did send me that song for a reason. We sang it together racing down back roads. I had the biggest smile on my face. I love that video. I love how him and I tell each other how we are feeling.

"Hey guys!" Both of us turning to find him with his shirt up. Damn it! Both of us get out of the car and do a push up. You have to love how he never forgets that damn. And I got my ass kicked again playing sex.

"Is the musketeers us?"
"Duh!"
He finally gets our nickname. He smiled at it. :)

"That was a good time."
"No that was a great time."




I still feel bad for it but then I'm around them and remember how to breathe. I remember I'm loved. I remember I deserve better than what I'm getting.

I'm Sorry I'm Bad, I'm Sorry I'm Blue, I'm Sorry About All The Things I Said To You.

I never wanted to have to do this. But you just don't want me anymore and I can't take the abuse anymore. I won't sit around and let you push me around just to get your revenge. I loved you and love you more than I ever have anyone else. But he cares more and this is what he has been telling me for a long time. And I'm sorry but leaving with him because I know he will catch me, care for me, and never make me cry. Right now I just need to be gone.

I'm sorry.
Don't forget how much I love you.

Fuck My Life.

Guess what the amazing Tory has discovered? That my birth control is fucking me up. Yay! I was researching new birth control because I have been wanting to switch for awhile and my mom finally got me a doctor's appointment. I found out that the type I was put on I never should have been put on. My pill has a higher level of progesterone in it which is dangerous for people with clinical depression. High levels of this in your body can make you suicidal. Fan-fucking-tastic.
God I can't be worrying again.
Fuck life.

Cannot wait for my new BC.

You're Just The Best I Ever Had.

"I don't know why but I suddenly wanted him holding me...I just wanted him near. Then I realized he won't ever do that again and I started crying."
"Then think of the night Del held you and realize that it could happen again. We are right here for you and you know it. It's not the same but we will always hold you."

If they only knew how much I long for them to hold me now too.

You're Gonna Be The One That Saves Me, And After All...You're My Wonderwall.

First off Hellboy II...no good. Rest of the night...morning was amazing.

Leaning close, nodding off as the movie blasted in front of us. His head on my shoulder, my head resting on his. We began falling asleep till someone moved and then just coming back to the same spot. I felt so close, breathing deep to catch the scent of memories. Sleeping on him, he runs his finger across my hair. I turn to find us both smiling. All those fears I had slipped away. She can't ever have this, she won't ever have him this way because he is mine.

My 3 half intoxicated brothers drove us home. Forgetting he doesn't live in our neighborhood Tim pulls up to my house.
"Guess I'm coming in for a little?"
"Sure."
"Your dad won't freak."
"Eh I don't care. Umm lets hang in my room."
As we noticed Nevin is laying on the couch with no pants on.

I lay down, snuggling into my bed. His eyes wonder for awhile, questioning this and that. Laughing at the pictures of him from so long ago. Smiling when I talked about the newspaper cut out on him. Only to eventually come flying into my bed. Pillows thrown, boredom siting in so we being talking. I had forgotten how we can talk about anything. He laughs at me for sneaking him into the house...well really we just walked in. I finally understood why we grew apart or really he has been avoiding me. I laughed and forgave him. Then of course makes me feel really good,
"You have looked really good these last couple of days."
"Huh?"
"Like at the wedding. When you walked out I was like Wow damn."
"Well...thank you."

Then parts come up that just remind me that he really worries about me.
"I'll just walk home."
"Oh no you won't. I would freak out. I'll go with you."
"No because then you have to walk home alone and I can't have that."
"I have walked across town at night before."
"So I didn't have a choice then and I wouldn't have let you so I'm not."
"Sighs. You worry about me too much."
"Maybe."
"When we sneak out you demand to drive me home and then make me text you once I'm inside. Do you think something is going to happen in those few steps?"
"Yes. That's why you have to text me."

He called a cab which was probably the same guy from that other night. So I was nice and sat outside waiting with him. Birds started chirping as 4 began to roll around.
"There are birds, does that make it early?"
"Yes."
Laughter.
He left.
"Text me when you get home."
"No problem."
Early, late it doesn't matter. It had been a long time since it had just been us...the way it used to always be.

Half my bed smells like me and the other half like him.
...I slept in the middle.

It's Getting Hard To Be Around You, There Is So Much I Can't Say.

"You work today?"
"Yeah I get off at 4."
"Call me when you get off."

"No shower. You got 5 minutes to get in there and get your bath suiting."

Racing into the house, crashing through the kitchen. My heart is pounding while my mind races for why I need my bathing suit. No time to stop and think. Changing clothes, throwing my hair up. Back into the car, base pumping through my chest. Time for a Musketeer adventure.

Winding racing around my hair. He smiles at me when I sing along the words with him. I miss him...but I love being with both of them. Suddenly things around me become familiar. No way we could be going there. But of course we were, Todd Lake. No a single person there but the Musketeers. Del races into the lake while Max and I sit back watching. Inching my way into the cold lake. Letting the sand melt through my toes. SPLASH! Del rams his whole body into me and down we both go. The anger beings to rush through me, then he smiles and I remember why I'm never mad at him.

"Could you drive her home?"
"Sighs. No problem."
Of course I always cover both of their asses. And do what for them without asking questions.

"Whats wrong?"
"Nothing."
"You're voice changed. Whose ass am I kicking?"
"Nobody. I'm fine, really."
Something was wrong but it suddenly disappear because you noticed. Man do I love when you do that.

Now I'm supposed to be napping because Del wants to take me to see Hellboy II tonight. I'm probably the only girl who would get really excited about this. :)

EDIT:
Just in case I haven't said this in awhile.

...He is amazing.

Tears Fall From A Reddish Night.

I missed them so much.
Never realized how empty I was without them.

"Lets waste some gas."
Passing that green sign letters spelling out my favorite place.
A grin passes over my face as we get closer and closer.
"Oh. I found a song that made me think of you the other day."
I love hearing him say that.
But I wasn't expecting what came next.
I'm watching you change
It doesn't have to be this way
It gets harder every day
So you keep numb to feel safe
The words pump through those speakers.
Saying all the things he wished to say to me, all the things I feel.
You're miserable
When he is close
So take another drink
Another drink will numb those senses
And make the most of flesh and bones
If it helps you fall asleep
Cold tears line across my eyes.
I wish I could say all the things I wished back.
I still remember the days
When you didn't feel the need to escape
And every demon you never face
Is the reason you're not safe
A fake smile to cover the tear down my face.
Nodding my head with the beat, flash him a smile.

"I can't believe I'm here with you guys."
We stand on the rail and scream to the world.
Scream away every pain, laugh, tear, smile.
"It's hard being up here."
I wished he was you and her arms were yours.
He hands me a shirt for warmth, with a warming smile.
"It's okay. I'm with the two people who love me more than this world."
She smiles behind her shiver.
He moved closer.

"I don't have to like you because I love you."
Fake fights, kicking knees, and laughing.
My words surprised him, turning with a grin across his face.
"Here now we are married...all three of us."
Sharing my rings with them.
Even he kept it on and I smiled as he played with it.
"You guys look cute together."
Hiding their smiles behind their eyes.
My heart smiles at their happiness.

"I know why she doesn't like her but I don't know why you do."
The words sat on my tongue.
...She has everything I used to, she has you.

"I'm totally going to object at your wedding. Then get hammered."
We joked and I said I would ban him.
Honestly...I don't know what I would do if he wasn't right there by my side.

I can't find the right words anymore.
So I'll say it plainly.
I love you.

Can't Take Away All Those Nights We Stayed Up And Talked All Night.

"Remember those roses that sit on his stairs?"
"Umm kinda. Why?"
"They are the fakes ones we gave him. The ones that said 'We will love you till the last one dies.'"
"Wow he still has those?"
"Yep. We were talking and he said 'You and Tory have always just loved me because of who I was. Not who I could be, or would be just me.'"
"Wow. I'm glad he finally sees that. I really do love every piece of that boy."
"I know. Me too. And he loves both of us."
"Eh."
"He does, just trust me on this. What you guys had and have nobody could ever take away."

I cried.

"I told him that we hate her."
"Good because I do."
"Yeah he tried to play it off like she really didn't do anything."
"That's such bullshit. She ever does that to him again I swear...I swear she will meet my fist and I don't care what trouble would come from it."
"Would you really?"
"Yes. I was taught growing to protect those we love and I can't sit by and watch him ever go through that again. It completely broke my heart watching."

The memories come rushing back.

"How was the beach?"
"Fine."
"Where were you the last week? I called you and texted and I got nothing."
"Oh...yeah. I just didn't feel like talking to people. I just...I didn't feel good."
"I understand but you had me worried sick. Don't do that again okay?"
"Yeah okay."
"Hey, you are amazing, and you help me with so much, and I wouldn't be here without you. And of course you are super hot."
"Ha. Yeah...thanks."
"No problem, just saying the truth."

He still asks her how I'm doing...and always worrying.
I love the hand print they have both left on my heart. It makes me smile and feel safe.

Best Conversation.

"So before I make this appointment I need to know if you have...cause they are going to ask."
"Yeah I have."
"Okay. And I'm guessing it was with..."
"Yep."
"Okay just make sure you are safe."

You have to love how chill my mother is.