"I always pretended that the other girls didn't bother me but it did. And I hated how I just always took him back. That's why I did a lot of what I did because I wanted him to feel that pain I felt every night. It crushed my confidence because I felt like just another girl...I didn't believe that he loved me no matter what he said. I felt bad going to the other guy but he made me feel so sexy even though I knew he was getting with other girls too. He would tell me and that made me feel amazing. He didn't tell me that my best friend was a better kisser even if it was true. I feel bad about it but...but it was nice to be told things instead of just assuming."
I been thinking a lot about last summer. Trying to figure out the person I am or the person I want to be. But there lies the problem I don't know either. I never realized how much I suppressed for so long. How many times I pretended to be okay with something when it honestly ate away at me. Did you know we used to talk about you? He would try and tell me that the other girls didn't matter but even his words couldn't fix how I felt. Did you ever think of me when you kissed them? My confidence has been completely shot lately due to my thinking. And ever demon you never faced is the reason you're not safe. I finally wanted to change all this bullshit I have been putting myself through. He is right, well because he almost always his. I never changed and would always whine about the same things instead of facing them. I finally am. Thinking about to all those memories I don't dare touch, those lost words, fights and nights. It hurts more than helps but I know in the long run it will.
I never realized how much growing up in a family that jokes a lot can effect you. I was always told I was stupid, couldn't do anything and such things along those lines, always in a joking manner of course. But I just realized it never processed as a joke. My mom still holds my brother up high because he is like her. He is good at academics, always gets scholarships, is basically good at everything, and he has a practical major. But that's not me at all. I know photography isn't practical but it's something I love, and shouldn't that be enough? She always gets excited by something he does and with me it's just okay, no matter what it is. I don't share my photography with my family because they all just shrug it off. My brother just got a really great scholarship which I mean I'm proud of him and it's great because the government basically pays for his whole trip to Japan but of course it's overshadows me. When he was talking about it to the family and everyone was telling him how proud they were of him, my dad leaned over to me and said "And I can't wait for the day when you have you're first opening." Guess it finally made me feel like someone believes in me.
No comments:
Post a Comment