Not a very good picture but I tried.

Life is once again on the down spiral but at least it's not my life so once. Okay that sounded mean and terrible. Nene's world is slightly being crushed and I'm trying as hard as I can to support and love her through it when honestly it's hard not to just yell at her because of my frustrations. I know exactly what she needs to do and how she can fix things and start to feel better but it does not matter because she is not going to hear a word I'm saying or try to fix anything until she feels ready. So for now I just have to sit by and hold her when she cries, feed her comfort food, let her sleep all day in my bed, and hide her phone.

Besides that I'm stressed but I've learned that's completely normal this time of year and just have gotten used to the never sleeping. I don't think I ever found myself this happy and sad and torn in so many directions at once but for some reason I'm finding comfort in it. Like there is always enough busy work, or distraction going on that I don't have to sit around and just ponder upon things.

Nene's passed out in my bed and I'm about to fall asleep on my computer. I should probably go find something to keep myself awake or go lay down in Sean's bed.

Trust In Me, I'm Just Trying To Keep This Together Cause I Could Do Worse And You Could Do Better.

After lots of yelling, frustration, apologies, an explanation, a frosty, and a hat things are finally back to normal. Or whatever normal is. I still have days were I want to quit and punch him in the face but recently I've been able to breathe.

Friday, Nene and I were in the weirdest/happiest moods either of us have been in a long time. We drove around, blasting music and screaming at every person we felt like. Though I learned head banging and driving is probably a really bad combination. Then we made tattoo appointments which the lovely Nene offered to pay for mine. Which was the only way that my mom was okay with me getting it. I told mom though that I wasn't going to be getting another one till the end of the summer which she didn't really say anything about. So I guess that's a good thing.

It feels really good to hear someone tell you that they are never going to leave you and they give soild proof of it. Instead of just being another person who says that bullshit line of "I promise I'll never leave you." Then the world falls apart around you and they peace out because it's too hard for them to manage. I honestly never allow myself to believe people when they say that but this once which maybe it's a mistake and maybe it isn't.
"I've been here for 4 years. Why would I suddenly leave you now?"

Ugh got a nasty stomach ache need to get rid of that.

It's Just Tears And Rain...

As we grow we are meant to learn but it always seems like the lessons get harder the older we get. They cause more of a mess or make us feel more pain. But wouldn't you think we each lesson it would get easier or less painful. So why does it seem to do the complete opposite?

Tonight I learned many things about the rain. Does anyone know how it feels to "feel alive" when you feel completely nothing or empty? It's like getting terrible news or something breaking your heart so bad that instead of pain you just feel absolutely nothing so you search for a way, anyway to be able to feel something. So you sit in the rain. You can feel the drops smacking against your skin and even get chills if you stand there long enough. Your feet can start to feel sore from endlessly walking for hours. But it doesn't seem to matter because you're just content being able to feel something even if it is as pointless as the rain.

Tonight was the first time I've ever cried in the shower.

Why can't love be as simple as a definition? But then even that isn't simple because every person seems to hold their own definition of love. So why can't it be simple? Why can't we all just understand it like how we are taught that 2+2=4. I've learned I love differently than everyone I have ever met. I care too quickly for people and once I've given you any kind of love I refuse to ever take it back. Even if you abuse it, use it against me, or hate me for it, I can't seem to make it change. I can count on one hand the number of people I have truly loved, whether it be friendship or relationship kind of love, and all but one of them are tattooed on me. Yet the way I love always scares me because I know many people don't feel the same. Many believe that love can just come and go whenever it desires and others find it impossible to believe I can always love even to those who destroyed me. Which confuses me as much as I probably confuse other people. David once told me that I love the way I do because I've "stared death in the face". I sometimes feel like maybe he is right, maybe I just view love, even life, differently then other people do. But loving the way I do seems to be so dangerous for me. Once I love I have issues letting them go because I fear they will never come back and that their love for me will fade and only be a distant memory. And it's the type of fear that haunts you at night and lingers in the back of your mind constantly.

She let his hand go and he kept walking, never stopping to look behind. She can't even see if he is smiling while she cries.

So why is nothing ever simple? The answer is never just black or white? Or pain finally stop hurting so bad?

I guess these are the things that are supposed to make life what it is. A confusion roller coaster that often never seems to be fair except for everyone but yourself.