Don't Tell Me If I'm Dying, 'Cause I Don't Wanna Know.

I have completely found my other half and I could go without seeing him for awhile because the last two days have been the best days of my life. Friday Del met up with me and Esme while we were shopping and tagged along with us. Of course there was lots of laughing and the, oh so amazing, game of find the ugliest sweater. Which Esme totally kicked our asses at. Then we all parted ways. Night rolled around and some how Del ended up back in my car. The Musketeers took a short ride, where more laughter continued for awhile.

Then today began. I should have spent the whole day working on homework and my art portfolio but that was quickly changed with a small phone call. "Hey, you busy?"
"Nope."
"Great. Can you take me to Wal-mart in a little bit?"
"Yeah sure."
I forgot to ask why then remembered that Del has that eye infection again, like he got two summers ago. I picked him up and we drove to Rite-Aid and Wal-mart. Then he said something really surprising, "So we can just drive for awhile. I got nowhere to be." So we did. And we talked...a lot. I felt a little closer to him and a little more loved which from him feels like...like something I can't even find words to explain. "Yeah I kept saying your name last night and they were like 'You guys must be like best friends' and I was like 'Well yeah but we don't hang a lot just we did today'. It was just a really good friend day, like I don't know just felt really good." I had the stupidest smile on my face and I know it. I was going to drop him off after ice cream but then was convinced into seeing a movie with him.

I know I wasted a day when I should have been doing tons of work but god, for a moment I could finally breathe. I was sitting with the one person who understands me better than myself. The one person who finds all my flaws and mistakes perfect. The one person who can make me laugh and forget everything. I'm just so glad he finally understands how great he is.

For It To Feel Like This, Like Every Inch Of Me Is Bruised, Brusied.

Well at least on my knees. Haha. Damn me and my uncoordinatedness, yes I just made that a word.

I haven't slept in days because of my never ending racing mind. I just keep thinking about this little thing and that little thing, if I remembered to do this, have to remember to do that, will I have enough time. So many stupid, trivial things. Sometimes I wish he was Del because then when I'd talk to him he would get it and say that right things. Why is it that nobody has just the perfect words at the exact moments like Del does. Though I'll give it to Kana she can come very close sometimes. Sighs. Things are once again changing too fast and I have no idea what to do. I know I should just try and take everything one step at a time but I'm the stupid kid who tries to take it all on at once. Yay for Tory's stupidity.

I've been extremely depressed lately which sucks. I finally thought that maybe I was just like every other teenager who just went through their little depressed stage but alas no hope for me. I'm clinical and shall always be even when everything is going perfectly fine in my life. Just another thing to live with.

I got bored last night after finishing my homework (yes I actually did my homework at home. What a strange idea!) so I decided to paint my nails but of course I couldn't just paint them one color but instead 3. And of course they have no rhythm or reason to how they colors are painted instead they are just that...painted. They make me smile.

But in the end life will keep going and I'll keep living it.
Peace, Love.

And I'm Thinking I'd Perfered Not To Be Rescued.

I saw the stop sign, that stop broke all the barriers. My heart broken open and I fell into pieces resting my head against the cold leather stirring wheel. Warm tears cutting lines into my pale skin. I lifted my head and tried to drive. White lines blurred with the dark road and bright lights. I couldn't understand why I was crumbling but I knew it hurt, something inside me was screaming. Nobody would respond to my calls so I made a leap. Like I used to always do I jumped head first hoping you would be below to catch me with your love.

"Tell me I'm stupid. That I'm really really stupid."
"You're extremely stupid. Now what did you do."
"Let life overwhelming me."
"Can I come get you?"

As those words light up my screen I lost all words, I lost all thoughts. I drove in silence, only tears racing down my face. Then my phone rang,

"Where are you?"
"I'll be home in like 2 seconds."
"I'll meet you there."

It felt so weird but amazing. It has been so long since he has wanted to be my superman. We laughed and drove and even better we talked. We talked about everything and for once the words shared made me feel loved and wanted. Just the two of us, strange and unquestioning, living for every second.

...

I physically ache all over.

I can't believe I'm letting him do this to me.

Let Go and Let God.

I know, well everyone knows, that I don't believe in God but for some reason I can't get over that saying. My mom has always had this crazy believe, which isn't that crazy to me but maybe to other people, that if you put good energy out into the world then you shall receive it back. Which I remember reading a lot about when I used to do my religious studies. But as she was talking about it the other day I realized how true it was. The minute I let go of life and just tried to be happy life gave back to me. My mom says that my black mom always says "Let go and let God." I guess sometimes in life it takes us longer to learn something so simple.

On another note, I inhaled a lot of bleach and brass cleaner the other day while cleaning at my grandma's. So now my lungs have decided to stop working on work on a limited basis. It makes for things to be quite interesting.

And No Matter What I Say Or Do, You Know That My Heart Is True, Oh, I Can't Stop Loving You.

So the last few days I've been kind of grumpy thanks to the lovely weather and a complete lack of sleep. And then Friday was the day from hell. Everything just kept falling apart. I was rushed to practice for this Christmas show and then literally running to my car and speeding to get Kana. Then our Amherst adventure began. Besides me getting in a shitty mood for a little at the game, we had a really, REALLY fun time. Even driving through all the fucking fog, Satan's fog, though at least now I'm really comfortable driving in fog. P.S Kana can really get into a football game. Her and I were screaming our heads off. It was so much fun. And our boys played really well but thanks to the refs not getting off their knees they made a bunch of bullshit calls. I was so proud of Seth he played so well though whenever he was on the field I got extremely nerve and I don't think I would breathe. After the game I saw his parents and his mom handed me Seth's keys and was like "Can you give these to him?" Which I was like oh yeah no problem. Trevor also gave me a hug and of course Kana thinks he is like the cutest thing ever just like everyone else. So Kana and I drove home and got back a little after midnight. But that's not when my night ended, oh no. I had to sit at the high school until about 12:40 when the boys finally got back. Of course Seth wasn't too happy so I just tried to make him feel a little better. I can only manage how those guys were feeling, especially the seniors.

Today is gonna be pretty psycho too but right now I'm just focused on how to make Seth feel better because I can seat by and watch him be like this. So I'm off to be really creative and think of something.

I Thought Of You And The Time We Jumped The Fence, Pool-Side, Stripped Down, We Dove Right In.

I feel more confused right now than a four year old with a Rubik's cube. My mom is sending in my application to Shepherd's right now and I'm completely terrified probably since I'm only applying to that school. Ugh whatever, I'm trying really hard not to think about it.

Last night I just kept crying over how behind I am in school and stressing about college so I just left my house and went to Max's. She watched TV and I cranked out some English homework which worked out a lot better than I expected. I hate that it's not that I'm behind because I have been procrastinating it's just because I don't have enough time to do all of it. It's starting to really stress me out, along with this stupid ass Christmas show thing. I probably don't like it because I just all around hate Christmas. Though maybe this year won't be so bad if Seth comes and has to suffer though a Kennedy Christmas with me.

Tomorrow Seth and I have celebrate our one month which seems stupid to everyone but for me it's a pretty big deal. I have actually managed to stay in a relationship this long without a single fight and I haven't even thought about cheating. YAY FOR ME! I think my parents reactions were the best. My dad's response was "Oh wow you can stay in a relationship. That's a surprise." and my mom's was "Feels like he is been around a lot longer than that."

Over the weekend I managed to buy two pairs of heels and I'm determined to wear them more because I like wearing heels...damn it. I also worked on my portfolio with Lemon and Max which was a good time. We all were acting like we were four years old while we ran all over Wildwood. I remembered how much I used to play there when I was younger. I love my new profile picture (the one of all of us jumping) because even though it's of our backs you can just see the happiness in all of us. I don't know maybe that's just me.

If We're Gonna Make This Work, You Gotta Let Me Inside Even Though It Hurts, Don't Hide The Broken Parts That I Need To See.

This might be an obnoxious post for some of you to read so I apologize but I just realized that I finally got a boy that treats me the way I'm supposed to be treated.

After I had a really long talk with Max about how it's just hard for me to completely let Seth in because of the way I have been treated. But I knew the response I would get it I told him that I felt like I was being used, it would be the typical "No of course not. I love you...blah blah blah." So Max suggested that I tell him that he had to show it instead of saying it. I still left like I just didn't want to bring it up because I hate talking about issues I have in the past. It's even worse now that Seth and I have started sleeping together. I mean how would your trust issues be if you lost your virginity last Christmas to a boy that just kept saying how much he still loved you and wanted to be with you again one day then about 4 weeks later he sleeps with you then right afterwards says, "Hey I'm gonna ask this girl out." Then he ignores you for the rest of the year, though he promised to stay friends, or blames everything on you and makes you hate being happy.

So this is how the explanation when,
"So I don't want you to think this is how I feel completely but because of my past it's hard not to. I just can't let you completely in because I feel like I'm going to end up being used again."
"I promise...."
"Don't say it because I was lied to a lot last year by the exact same words you are about to say. I know this sounds stupid but I need you to show me that you want me, that this all isn't just a lie."
"Then I guess I'll just have to work a little harder on showing you."

And he already is. On Thursday I had to pick him up from football practice and I wasn't feeling well. When we got to his house he demanded that I come in and lay down for a little bit and I wasn't in the mood to argue. I passed out on the couch for awhile, because he was playing with my hair which he knows will put me right to sleep. I had to get up to go to dance class and jokingly told him that he needed to carry me to my car. Okay so when you ask for someone to carry you, you think pig back ride, right? Well nope. He straight up sweeps me up into his arms and carried all the way to my car.

Last night I stood outside of my car waiting for him to finished getting changed after the game. I wasn't feeling so hot because of having a long stressful day. I was paying much attention since I didn't know Seth running at me which ended with him picking me up and swinging me around. I was a little scared but then happy but his hello was even better, "Did you know that I have the most amazing and beautiful girlfriend in the world?" I just smiled so big.

Maybe for once I'm not getting used for my body, or my love, or my feelings. Maybe for once I found a boy that really does just love me more than I understand. Maybe I have finally found someone who will take care of me and love me unconditional without questioning a single thing.

November 3, 2007.

It's been actually one year and how much I have grown within that year. I'm finally happy with myself, I don't hate my body, mind or spirit. I learned that people can love me if I let them. I have learned to protect myself from others hurtful words and stares. I have also found the true people in life and the fake.

Most of all I figured out why I did what I did. After Saturday night being so completely perfect with Seth laying under the stars, I began to think. Last night when I saw him I wrapped my arms so tight around him and refused to let him go as I cried about my reason, so here it is.

Last year I tried to prove someone wrong. With that person always telling me I wouldn't do something or I wasn't good enough I thought I give them one big smack in the face, so I hurt myself. I know it's stupid. I tried to end my life for someone who didn't love when if I had succeed I wouldn't have spent Saturday night in the arms of someone who does love me.

Here's to what I could have missed:
-My 17th birthday
-Del's 18th birthday
-The whole summer of '08
-Sunbathing with Max all the time
-Being a shoulder for all my friends
-Driving Del home that night
-Getting my nose pierced in London
-The adventure of spring break
-My brother getting accepted to Kobe University
-The Musketeers being reunited
-Max getting a new car
-Del breaking his car...a million times
-Driving Del's car
-Doing shots with Kana for her first time
-The day I got over N.I.B and wished him the best in life
-All the nights I snuck out
-Finding myself, finding happiness within myself
-Del telling me he would always support and care for me
-Growing up
-My niece's first birthday
-My niece learning how to say Aunt Tory
-Taking my niece to her first fair, and giving her ice cream
-Getting my driver's license
-Getting my beautiful car
-Using my scars to help others
-All the nights spent with my co-workers
-Finally learning to dance with my heart
-All the inside jokes
-Being a Senior

Most of all, I would have missed finding my prince charming. I might have had to walk through hell and back but he is worth every step I ever took.

So this is to you N.I.B, I proved you wrong. I've done everything you always told me I couldn't and have become good at everything you said I wasn't. I stuck around and fought through every single minute that this world and you put me through. I have taking care of those who couldn't take care of themselves or even you who refused to let anyone take care of them. I should have done all of that the first time but I don't regret anything. Because thanks to every cut I made, to every pill I took, to every time I drank too much, to every time I smoked till my lungs hurt, to every day I wished I had succeeded, I now walk with my head higher than anyone else and have a smile that speaks straight from my heart. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Over 25 scars will forever be visible for the world.
I drew a heart on every single one.

She's Not Afraid; She Just Likes To Use Her Night Light.

"Please be careful. My biggest fear is to lose you or for you to get hurt."

And we laid underneath the stars, snuggled in each other arms.

And I have never felt so happy.