Hear The Voice Deep Inside, It's The Call Of Your Heart.

I swear when Austin started to play last night I thought I was going to cry. He is such an amazing guitarist and singer. I know this yet every time I hear him it blows me away. He also is just a really funny guy. I took the boys some food last night and got a tour of the house, which surprisingly they are keeping very clean...well for boys. I was sad though because Alex and Corey...or Cory, I don't know how he spells it, weren't there. And actually Curly who I think is back in town and living with them. Tim, of course, invited me to come over whenever I felt like it which I might actually take him up on because they are a lot of fun. He once again introduced me as his little sister which I absolutely love. It makes me smile every time. "Oh shut up, you love me." "Yes I do." I stole a pick from Austin...yeah he doesn't know that. Can you guess what kind? Yep a turtle shell Fender medium pick, basically my favorite ones. I don't know why though. I'm thinking about making another necklace so that I can always think of my brother and the band. But I don't know yet since I'm having fun chewing on it.

I wish we were on better terms because you would love to go see all of Austin's guitars. He has so many and a lot of them are really nice. And the fact that they have sound proofed the basement so you can play as loud as you want down there. I'll take you sometime if you decide that you don't hate me anymore.

Other news I got a car! My own car! It's so pretty and nice. It's a red (yeah I'm excited about that part), 2000 Honda accord EX coupe with leather seats. And wait for it...it has a sunroof. XD I swear it's my child and I finally understand why Del is so attached to his Passat. Though sadly my baby has to go into the shop and get new brakes and a light replaced. :( But hopefully I will have her back by this weekend. I want her back!!! Once I get my car back I don't think I'll ever be out of it. As Austin said, "Oh god that's pretty. Please don't crash it."

Well I'm actually not supposed to be doing anything else besides my VHS shit since Ms. Collins is like a psycho now, though I still managed to get both of my papers written for English without her noticing. But now she is starting to hover and it's making me nervous. I hate when people hover. Well it's not like I'm going to do any of my work anyways since I never do.

"If you get to close to me I smell like a bottle of vodka."

"It looks like a radioactive amputated dolphin."

"Umm is it Noah's arc in space."
"Close."
"It's a beach."

Man am I in for a crazy week and even crazier (or would it be more crazy? Kana give me grammar advice.) weekend. XD Senior year is looking to be a really good year.

If Roses Are Meant To Be Red And Violets To Be Blue, Why Isn't My Heart Meant For You?

Thank God it's finally Friday. Once again I'm not going to do any work in my online class that I already have an A in. Sooo I'm here, bored out of my mind. (P.S I swear if Court uses that song for lyrical I might cry every time.) It's that time of year when the weather changes and my depression comes rolling in like a snow storm. Ick. Let me just say that choreographing my senior piece isn't helping anything. I cry every time I hear the song and think about the meaning behind, let alone it could be one of the last times that Max and I dance together. (Please try to be there this year, part of my dance is for you.) But all around life is pretty good, at least with Lemon and Max around.

I'm not talking to Del...well at least I'm trying because this time I'm going to stay mad at him. Though I'm still secretly planning his birthday. Just because I love him too much not to do anything for his birthday. Damn me and loving him. XD

My brother left for Japan Tuesday. I'm having a really rough time dealing with it. Today Emse was the first to ask how I'm handling him being gone because I am wearing his sweatshirt. I admitted I miss him which normally I wouldn't and just pretend I was fine. I decided not to because I do really miss him.

November is creeping up fast and it's scaring me. Every time I think about it my stomach flips and my head spins. It scares me more with my brother being gone and Del and I not talking. Everything seems similar to last year...I don't want it to be. At least I got Max beside me, a lot closer than last year, and she is eying me like a small child near a fire. Makes me feel loved.

I swear my mom has been taking by aliens, besides the fact that she pretty much gives me the car whenever. And has suddenly changed her mind about driving to school being stupid. She now has decided to create a bargain with my insurance. Now the deal is if I get A's and B's my parents pay for 75% of my insurance, so basically leaving me with only having to pay...hmmm...$125. If I get C's it drops to 50% and if I either get two C's or a D it's 25%. I would like to say but I think thats a damn good deal. Okay maybe I only think that now because I'm doing good in school but still. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY MOM!?

I listened to the Saga the other day while driving. I was surprised at how well I handled it. I mean you might still hate me but damn do you have good music. Hmmm speaking of music I need to new music. Why do I have to choose now to be mad at Del. Damn my bad timing.

My mind is starting to get really jumpy so means it's about time for me to get off. Hahaha.

N.I.B: I missed you the other day...it was weird.
Del: Stop being an ass so I can talk to you. Well stop being the only person I can be mad at so I can stop being mad at you.

And so is life.

Peace, Love.
Baby M. :)

It's Like Walking With The Wounded.

I haven't cried that much in a long time.

It only got harder when I found this song again...

I Can Take If You Need To Take This Out On Someone.

Well the weekend was a complete success. No down falls, only the best weekend ever. I'm gonna limit it down since I don't feel like writing all of it. So we'll just pick Sunday. I got up around 9 feeling a little tired from being up so late with Max the night before. Then I took her out to J's, thanks to Terri for giving us money, which tasted soooooo delicious. The real adventure began after that. I was driving from 9 until 6 mostly without stopping. Honestly I don't know how I managed it. We took Del a "get well" gift because we were bored and he sounds horrible, in a funny kinda way...yes I'm a bitch.We hung around with him and his dad and step mom, who are like the funniest people ever. Continued with our driving adventure till we had to go pick Del up. Not sure why he felt the need to go out with us while he was sick. Del wasn't feeling well at all so he curled up in the back of my car which was hilarious. He looked so freakin' cute. Then he almost killed me when I said that. Driving continued till I had to take Max home which I planned so I could get a couple of minutes to hang with Del. We talked a little since he couldn't really say much, but again it was one of those great conversations and he reminded why I'm still here.

I need to go do all the homework I didn't do this weekend. Oops. And because I get the car all day today. XD

"I don't like how much you drink now."
"I know. I'm gonna stop for awhile."
"Are you just saying that or are you serious?"
"I'm serious."
"Good because you were starting to get me worried"
*smiles*

I Wanna Be The One To Walk In The Sun, Oh Girls, They Wanna Have Fun.

It's finally Friday. But not just any Friday, the Friday of the best weekend of my life. Though I still have to go to third block...grr. Still a little bitter about that. I absolutely love when my parents let me stay home. I kinda enjoy being alone...yeah I'm a weird. This is the only time every year that my parents go out of town. But now they finally think I'm old enough to stay at home which is nice because I hate staying at someone's else all weekend. But I'm going to just most hang out with my bad self until Sunday. Oh glorious Sunday. Anyone wanna go for a drive on Sunday? Basically I will be spending all day driving. Why? Because I fucking can! Yeah bitches. Weird thing my mom is being nice enough to leave me her car. Suspicious? I think so. This whole post is going to be really jumpy in thoughts because I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I mean 5 hours is enough just not...if that makes any sense. Hmm...ten bucks my mom doesn't fill up her car before she leaves. Better get the Costco card just in case. I feel like being in school today is kinda pointless. Like I'm not doing anything in my online class...oh wait I never do anything in this class. In English people are coming to talk to us about college, just in case we haven't heard enough about it already. Then I'm not taking the Calculus test today so I think I'll just go sit in the library. Oh well. Maybe my mom will call me out early from school since we were supposed to have lunch. Stupid dad messing up my plans. Ew! I wore my trash bag pants to ballet last night (they are called that by dancers because literally they feel like wearing a trash bag). The purpose of them is to heat up your muscle really fast which let me tell you they do. It helps keep my hips from being stiff and also I'm not as sore today. But they make you sweat like crazy, like soak everything you are wearing. They are helpful though, last night I nailed a switch leap. Not even nailed it like completely, perfectly nailed it. It was amazing!

I feel like that was a good waste of time. I'm going to go look at concert tickets (We The Kings are on tour!!!)

Peace, Love.
Baby M.

Oh Yeah, There's A Smile When The Pain Comes, The Pains Gonna Make Everything All Right.

Something happen yesterday and I was hit by something I wasn't ready for. Max said Del needed us to pick him up and drive him to get his car because it needed repairs or something. Though Max and I had to sit outside his house waiting forever because his like a girl. I just shut down when we were all sitting in the car and I didn't know why until later. Max was driving me home from dance and of course we were talking about Del, I mean seriously either we are pissed or happy with him. And I just suddenly missed him but I don't know why. I mean yeah he didn't go anywhere and I still talk to him sometimes, maybe even hang out every month or so. All of a sudden I just wanted to be right next to him. I don't know where those feelings came from.

Today is a Thursday which means I hate it. And since I don't have early release I go from school, to teach, 45 minute break, to dance, and then after 9, I go home. Crazy, crazy day. And to top off such a lovely evening I have a shit ton of homework to do. Yay! Oh well. I'll probably just say up late finishing it like I usually do.

At work last night, Max, Melissa, and myself had the funniest 3 way texting conversation. We bitched about all the dumb people in the waiting room or store. It was hilarious because we were all sitting next to each other. I hid under the desk because I was laughing so hard.
"Look I fit perfectly!"
"You're like king sized?"
"Did you just call me fat?!"

I should probably stop procrastinating my homework. Though I don't know if it counts as homework since I'm doing it now. Oh well.

P.S This weekend is going to rule! Parents out of town and my mom is leaving me the car!

I Will Follow You Into The Dark.

Have I ever thanked you for finding me when nobody else was looking?




I love you.
♥ Musketeers.

I'm Here Like Bitch What's Up.

MY PARENTS ARE GOING OUT OF TOWN THIS WEEKEND! WOO!
Even better...they are leaving me at home. :)

I got that damn song stuck in my head. Well this is another pointless, boring, long post brought to you by having nothing to do in VHS. Well actually I have something I have to do but I can't because I need a scanner and I don't feel like hanging out in the library right now. So I'll just use mine whenever I get home which I don't know when that is. I'm realizing I really do spend too much time at the dance studio. Since yesterday I went over there right after school and didn't leave until 9. Basically the same thing today except I get home a little earlier and glory of glory, I get to judge the middle school dance team tryouts. Mwahahaha. I told Courtney I wasn't going to be nice. As long as she doesn't make me do the tryouts...which honestly could happen.

I realized that Kana and I waste so much time in calculus doing absolutely nothing (by the way, check out the picture on her blog). It kinda amazing. I mean right now calculus isn't driving me completely crazy which is nice. Though I know school is bound to get harder but for now some reason it seems manageable. I get to spend plenty of time at the studio and I'm managing to get all my homework done and decent grades. Only problem is I'm already really tired. I'm going to need to work on this sleep thing.

I've got random thoughts running through my head. Except none of them would make sense to anyone else but me...and probably Kana. But it's all stupid and trivial. Like how those damn fruit loops are starting to piss me off. Or how I wonder if he remembers anything. Or should I ask. Or should I just pretend like I don't remember. Damn it all.

At least I can focus my mind today which is a much better thing. I was having serious issues the other day. Hahaha. And once again nobody knows what I'm talking about.

It's a B day...I hate B days. Stupid AP Spanish.

Well I'm going to go do the homework I don't have to do. Yeah for extra time.

I Do Know Where You Go Is Where I Want To Be.

"Come over."
"I'm sleeping."
"Please..."
"Okay I'll be there in a minute."
"Thanks."

A rush of adrenaline must have pushed her out the door. The curious sound in your voice pulled her. I raced as fast as her tired legs would move. Moving faster than she imagined. You feel asleep but woke up to open the door. She told you just to go back to sleep, you refused. They laid in your bed, barely keeping their eyes open. You reached for her arm and snuggled into her shoulder. She didn't know what to do, you weren't acting yourself. But then she realized she didn't need to know, she was there for you and that's all that matter. They laid peacefully together. You began to fall asleep and she smiled at you. Kissing the top of your head she begins to slip out of you bed. You stir, only for her to slide back next to you.

"Don't go yet."
"I promise I'm not going any where."

We'll Say It Was Love, Cause I Would Die For You On Skyway Avenue.

Another long rant brought to you by boredom and procrastination of VHS. Yay! So I realized how much I hate that we can't have iPods in school anymore. I would be more likely to work if I had some music playing right now instead of just having songs that are stuck in my head. This morning sucked because I was so fucking sore. I tried to put on jeans then threw them across the room screaming "Fuck you!" then put on some sweatpants. I told my parents the yelling came from the fact that my jeans were being bitchy. My nose ring is sucking because I forgot to clean it last night so now it's rebelling against me. Lainey laughed at me last night and all my piercing. That girl makes tap so much more enjoyable even if our new teacher is a hyper active, fucking stupid, fat ass . If you hadn't noticed I don't like her...at all. Blah! It's Friday which means I should be happy but of course my weekend doesn't slow down at all compared to my week. Yay for crazy life! I'm almost done with the behind the wheel and I'm probably buying a car this weekend which I guess it exciting. I'm never going to be home once I can drive which probably isn't a good thing. I still need to talk to my mom and see if she will pay for my insurance since I'm flat broke. Damn having no money. Speaking of money, Daniel and I got in a fight in the middle of Martin's last night about it. It was ridiculous. My leg is so fucked up and it's to early in the year for this. I already have over worked my right leg and now I can't walk. Yay! I also found out that I have this bone in my feet that hurts really fucking bad when I try to relevé. Oh wait it gets better. The high I try to relevé the more it hurts, and it gets better...I can't do anything about it! Isn't that just awesome!?

Well I just limped my ass around this fucking school. I completely forgot to get money for my DE class. But thank god I have my own check book so I just wrote the check and getting my parents to give me back the money. Actually they have to get the money in soon or I'm going to overdraw in my account. Which is going to suck but whatever.

Time to call quits on this pretending that I'm doing something bullshit. I'm off to finish my weeks worth of prompt writings and study for Spanish.

EDIT:
Okay I'm actually just going to lay my head down. Room is spinning again.
Me-"What the OJ in the fridge for?"
Brit-"For when stupid people forget to eat."
Me-"Wait? Are you talking about me?"
*Brit walks away*

I'm kinda wishing I had some OJ right now. Then I could handle this spinning.

No Queda Nada Más Que Amarte.

Once again I'm bored in VHS. I mean maybe I wouldn't be if I tried actually doing my work in the class but I mean really who does that. My attention span is just too short and I get bored sitting in front of a computer. So I thought I would to something else because clearly blogging is a good decision.

Dance has started which sucks but is exciting. I'm really out of shape so I'm hating all my classes since I feel fat and weak in all of them. But I know after a couple weeks my body will readjust to dancing. I'm feel more comfortable with my dancing skills though well at least with the tricks. We now have a conditioning class every Monday which sucks but is a really fun class. Maria doesn't let anyone stop moving or stretching for the whole hour...which turned into a hour and half because she was having too much fun. We had two Dukettes in our lyrical class last night which made me laugh because I can dance better than them. Not trying to brag but seriously they dance like idiots. Stupid Dukettes. I have been hanging around Maria way too much. I'm hoping we don't have a weird ballet this year because I would really like the lead, since I have already been promised it if I want it. Though I'm not completely sure on that yet because I am teaching more classes. It's just going to be a hectic year but I'm almost excited about it. My mom didn't restrict any of my classes since it's my senior year which makes me really happy. So I'm trying really hard to keep up with my school work...well besides avoiding it right now...so that I don't have to drop any classes. Thursday will be my down fall. I have to be at the studio by 4:30 to teach than I teach two classes back to back (which I hate doing) then have 45 minutes to breathe before going into two classes back to back again. So I start at 4:30 and end at 9. It should be exciting.

On the subject of dance, I'm thinking I might not go to college. But I don't know. I just don't know how me and school are going to work out. So I was thinking of taking a year off and studying dance up in NYC. Though everyone just keeps saying why don't I go to a performing arts school which I thought about but they have really high suicide rates which doesn't really interest me. I just don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. It's kinda stressing me out so I hide from it at the studio. Haha.

I got bored in Calculus the other day and started choreographing a piece for the older girls. It's weird calling younger girls older. Okay it makes no sense to anyone else but me. Anyways I had a lot of fun creating the story in my head. I just love the song, Dreaming With A Broken Heart by John Mayer. We'll see what happens with the dance. Maybe Court will let me throw it on them sometime soon.

P.S If anyone has any sweet lyrical music I could really use it.

My hoodie smells like Del which makes me happy and sad. I just realized how long it's been since I've seen him...well scratch that I saw him twice last week. Though for some reason it feels like I haven't. Well besides the fact I "see" him everyday but I mean I never hang out with him, that makes more sense. It's funny how time seems warped when I think about me and Del. Now that I think about it I can remember last weekend though I guess I'm missing part of it since he did wake me up in the middle of the night and convinced me to sneak out while I was half awake. Only him would I do that for. Still I miss him.

I forgot how nice it is to cuddle with someone...even if you are watching football.

My mind is in a million places and I don't feel like talking about it much right now.







Musketeers are stronger than ever. And that smile and him standing up for me reminded me why I fight so hard for him.

Here's The Countdown, 3...2...1...Now Fall In My Arms Now.

I'm super bored in VHS and not really feeling motivated to do my work sooooo I'm posting. Hahaha.

Yesterday was so amazing and relexing and hilarious. Kana and I went to Dave's after school and I ate waaaay too much food, but how could I not it was so delicious. Then we hung around the pocket park and tried to do some calculus, which I mean eventually we finished. Haha. P.S wearing jeans in yesterday's heat was such a bad idea, but thanks to my stupidness kinda made for and interesting story. So Kana and I went to Shanks because I mean we were downtown and you can't be downtown and not go to Shanks. It's like against our religion. So anyways I had also been invited to go to Luigi's with a bunch of my boys because of Corey being out of the hospital. Kana being the great trooper she is said she would go with me. I asked Daniel the funniest question ever, to bring me shorts. Which was weird because he didn't really respond to it till he texted me and was like "Are you coming to Luigi's? I got shorts for you." I got the biggest smile on my face. He is so weird. Kana and I went and hung out for the boys for a bit which was fun. Corey is handling the whole accident thing just the way he would. Joking about it. Seth was there too. *Beings to drool* Haha. So basically the night was interesting.

Daniel and I had a really good talk before I fell asleep, because seriously him and I talk waaay too much. I was talking about how I find it weird that I feel so safe around him and can let my guard down so easily. I also told him how it scared the crap out of me. He told me that he didn't want to scare me. I laughed. I felt weird telling him that I was scared because again something I don't do. Things are so different with him, I think that's what scares me.

"It killed me when you left that night."
"Yeah, I didn't want to go either. You just looked so hurt."

Now it's boring old morning in VHS. Blah! But it is a glorious A day which means only two more classes to go. Except the whole throwing up this morning thing and my stomach being like evil isn't making this day kinda sucky.

I'm off to text Daniel and not do anything for my class. :)

P.S I need my fucking VANS!

Y Cada Vez Que Te Llamo No Estás.

Damn it.

Why do I let myself get comfort with people?

I hate it.

Even Max and Del can't let down my guard the way he does. With that stupid smile and those dorky glasses, I just...I let go of everything.

Fuck myself.





P.S Calculus Kana and I discovered that I can connect anything to sex. It got quite ridiculous.

P.S.S My brother said the cutest thing the other day. Our conversation went something like this,
Me-"Can you just not talk about getting yet another major for like two minutes? You make me feel lame because I basically can only do two things, dance and take pictures."
Sean-"So why don't you just major in both of them?"
Me-"Because I'm not a good enough dancer."
Sean-"Maybe not right now but if you lived and breathed dance you could. You got the talent. Not the talent people learn, the kind that you are born with."

And If You Take The Last Step, I'll Follow You.

Ugh. Why do I always get used to cute things? I know I shouldn't. I know it only ever ends up bad. I want to walk away but I just can't. I forgot how nice it is to have someone around. Grr, I hate this.

"How was school today bedbug?"

...damn it all.

Cross My Heart, Hope To Die, I Swear I Won't Say What Happened That Night.

I'm disconnected from the world.
I can't get that boy out of my head.
Life is slowing down.
I want Del.
I need to eat more.
Dance needs to start so I can escape.
I have to buy a car.
I found an amazing boy.
I found a friend. :)
I wish I was with him.
I need to get out of this house.
I want to lay in Del's bed.
I haven't touched my English homework.
No quiero estudiar para espanol.
I want to hug him under the stars.
I can't hear from all my loud music.
My thoughts are so far from me.
I wish he wasn't in the hospital.
I wish he would realize it's not his fault.
I want to be there but I'm starting to lose myself.
I need to lay in the sunshine.

EDIT:

"Hey. Whats up?"
"Nothing."
"You near a computer?"
"Yeah...?"
"Good. I found you a new band."
"Yay!"
Of course I love them. Of course I love him. Of course now life seems a little better. Of course his voice sounds like an angel.

Cause if you jump
I will jump too
We will fall together
From the building's ledge
Never looking back at what we've done
We'll say it was love
Cause I would die for you
On skyway avenue