As we grow we are meant to learn but it always seems like the lessons get harder the older we get. They cause more of a mess or make us feel more pain. But wouldn't you think we each lesson it would get easier or less painful. So why does it seem to do the complete opposite?
Tonight I learned many things about the rain. Does anyone know how it feels to "feel alive" when you feel completely nothing or empty? It's like getting terrible news or something breaking your heart so bad that instead of pain you just feel absolutely nothing so you search for a way, anyway to be able to feel something. So you sit in the rain. You can feel the drops smacking against your skin and even get chills if you stand there long enough. Your feet can start to feel sore from endlessly walking for hours. But it doesn't seem to matter because you're just content being able to feel something even if it is as pointless as the rain.
Tonight was the first time I've ever cried in the shower.
Why can't love be as simple as a definition? But then even that isn't simple because every person seems to hold their own definition of love. So why can't it be simple? Why can't we all just understand it like how we are taught that 2+2=4. I've learned I love differently than everyone I have ever met. I care too quickly for people and once I've given you any kind of love I refuse to ever take it back. Even if you abuse it, use it against me, or hate me for it, I can't seem to make it change. I can count on one hand the number of people I have truly loved, whether it be friendship or relationship kind of love, and all but one of them are tattooed on me. Yet the way I love always scares me because I know many people don't feel the same. Many believe that love can just come and go whenever it desires and others find it impossible to believe I can always love even to those who destroyed me. Which confuses me as much as I probably confuse other people. David once told me that I love the way I do because I've "stared death in the face". I sometimes feel like maybe he is right, maybe I just view love, even life, differently then other people do. But loving the way I do seems to be so dangerous for me. Once I love I have issues letting them go because I fear they will never come back and that their love for me will fade and only be a distant memory. And it's the type of fear that haunts you at night and lingers in the back of your mind constantly.
She let his hand go and he kept walking, never stopping to look behind. She can't even see if he is smiling while she cries.
So why is nothing ever simple? The answer is never just black or white? Or pain finally stop hurting so bad?
I guess these are the things that are supposed to make life what it is. A confusion roller coaster that often never seems to be fair except for everyone but yourself.
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