Wow lots has happened. When things happen sometimes I question the idea of fate because it doesn't seem logical. I don't know...
My thoughts feel really scattered and hard to hold onto but I guess that understandable. It's weird when reality hits and suddenly the two people who are the strongest supports in your life need you to support them. It's easier to comfort Esme because she is like me so I know what to do but Del...I have no idea what to do. I'm worried about how he is handling things but I don't want to bother him because he is needed. It's frustrating.
Standing alone now the battle with myself has decided to rage on. I'm trying to fight it off and find strength in myself but it's extremely difficult. I feel like I'm running back down the road I tried so hard to get away from. But this time things are different and nothing seems so important...it's scary.
I really need a guy hug and I cried yesterday when I realized I couldn't get one. Yeah I could go up to most any of my guy friends and ask for a hug but that's not the same. I want the kind of hug that makes everything stop, that gives you a moment to breathe. The kind of hug that makes you feel so small and safe. But of course the only two guys I know who can give those hugs hate me. Sighs. I miss them both terribly. But of course I put on a fake smile and pretend that I'm not falling to pieces inside. My smile is so broken that I'm surprised anyone believes I'm happy.
"You guys have always had a love hate relationship."
"Well yeah."
"At least he wants you around in his life."
"But it's the kinda way that I'm like 'do I have to do that?'"
"Honestly...I would kill to be anything in his life right now."
1 comment:
im always here.
and remember.
even if you can't keep your chin up, at least you're watching the ground so you won't trip.
yeahhh idk :)
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