I'm Damaged At Best Like You've Already Figured Out.

"Hello?"
"Hey. Whats up?"
"Nothing..."
"Okay so whats really up?"
"I'm just really stressed. You know how I am, so whatever."
"Yep it's just a big whatever."

I have no idea if someone told him or if he is finally seeing me reaching for him. Either way he caught me on my way down. I lied behind a smile and never really said what I wanted. I know I need to share everything with him to finally reach an "okay" place. But I wish he could see the fear I hold behind doing that again. I know they aren't the same but it seems so familiar and thats a scary feeling. I still don't know how to ask him to come hold my hand and walk through this with me. I haven't found the right words or the strength within myself. I might have the strength to share my heart but am I ready to let go of it and give it to someone else to hold? Will he hold it or throw it away like many have done before. This is what keeps me up at night.

I threw my shoe at him today, we laughed.

Last night, staining my face with cold tears. I wondered out of my house. I wasn't sure where I was going since at 9:30 there aren't a lot of places that you can go. My feets knew where to go yet my mind was out somewhere else. Gripping the metal, cold behind my finger. Salty tears fall down my face thinking about how things were long ago at this place. I run away from it to a place of safety. Curling up on a table just the way I always did with him. I closed my eyes and he was there with me under that tree. I was laughing while he smiled at me. With a sigh I leave my safe place, searching for another memory. I find it in those four swings dancing with the breeze. I close my eyes remember which one it was. My finger points to the one my mind remembered. I smile and slowly approach it as if it was something new. Back and forth I push myself, I smile thinking how much harder it is without you pushing me. Then I realize. Yes I can swing on my own, it will take more work and be harder. Or I can call you and ask for a push to make it easier.

I'll ask for the push.